This Week In Tabloids: No One Can Make Up Good Lies About Amal Clooney

By Bobby Finger | May 27, 2015 | 8:10pm

Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we get invited to leave Earth on a spaceship that will take us far away from all of this celebrity gossip. We pack our bags, say goodbye to our friends and families, hop on board the ship, and lift off into space. After months of hurtling through the void in which all things float, we land on a distant planet and meet the alien lifeforms who will be taking us in. We immediately become superstars on their planet and begin gracing the cover of all their tabloids, with headlines that translate to things like “EARTH HUMAN’S SECRET LOVE AFFAIR EXPOSED” and “EARTH HUMAN PREGNANT WITH HALFLING.” We long for the days when we were just consumers of gossip, not subjects of it. In today’s tabloids, Jen and Ben are divorcing, The Bachelorette is getting interesting, the Duggars remain horrible, and Amal and George remain boring.

Pack your bags, because it’s time for liftoff.

OK!

JEN & BEN SHOCKER: DIVORCE

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck have finally decided to stop trying to save their marriage. It’s over, and Ben’s drinking and gambling are to blame. A close source says the couple is “already separated” and will announce their divorce sometime before their 10th anniversary, “which [Ben] hopes will give enough time for the news to die down by the time he has to promote Batman v Superman.” Like most dudes going through a separation, Ben has been crashing at Matt Damon’s house. Jen has been “preparing herself emotionally for a divorce for some time” and “plans to fight for full custody of the kids.” Ben will seek—and likely receive—full custody of Matt Damon.

Taylor Swift’s got a long list of ex-lovers, and they’ll tell you she’s a virgin. Sources say the reason guys come and go so frequently in her romantic life is because she’s not ready to have sex, and that Calvin Harris is the first man she’s ever dated who’s willing ”to wait for her.” Swift “has been up front about her need to take things slowly,” and “Calvin’s been more than willing to follow her protracted timeline.” Good for them I guess. Whatever. I barely believe Taylor Swift is an actual human being, let alone one capable of having sex. If it was suddenly revealed that she’s the world’s most technologically advanced robot, I’d shrug and be like, “Thanks for the news, Robot Swift, but can you go back into the studio and record another album of Max Martin songs please?”

Brad and Angelina have been spending so much that they’re $35 million in debt! Here’s a sampling of their OUT OF CONTROL spending:

$1 million a year on child-care.
$2 million a year on bodyguards.
“Huge sums each year” in charitable donations.
Tens of millions of dollars on homes around the world.
They only travel by private jet or first class on commercial flights.

More outrageous spending not mentioned in the article:

$500,000 on gold-plated business cards that say “ANGELINA JOLIE, DIRECTOR”
$250,000 a year on Angie’s secret Taco Bell habit.
$1 million a year on sunglasses for the family.
$2 million a year on facial hair care for Brad.
$4 million a year on framed Girl, Interrupted posters Angelina provides as bonus gifts to all the people she helps around the world.

And Also:

Anna Kendrick’s ego is out of control.
Nicole Kidman thinks breast implants will “help change her prim and proper reputation.”
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia DeRossi are “leaving showbiz” and moving to Australia.
Bruce Jenner can’t stop loving Ronda Kamihira.
Chris Pine can’t stop partying like it’s 1999.
Salma Hayek can’t stop buying animals.
Julianne Hough can’t stop raving about her “favorite razor,” the Venus Swirl.

Grade: F (Julianne Hough asks you what your favorite razor is.)

Life & Style

BACHELORETTE PREGNANCY SHOCKER

Ohhhhh yeaaahhhhhhhh! Praise Chris Harrison, because (after last week’s slow start), the real Bachelorette gossip has finally begun. Remember how Kaitlyn was the first Bachelorette to admit she had sex in the Fantasy Suite? Turns out she’s also the first to have GOTTEN. PREGNANT. IN. THE. FANTASY. SUITE. And guess what! She’s still pregnant. And guess what! It’s going to be a major plot point on this season of the show. And guess what! inTouch writers obviously forgot to watch her get drunk and tell jokes on the season premiere because there’s no way this woman is pregnant.

Kylie Jenner is quitting reality television. She’s had it with the cameras and would rather “hang with her friends” than be on KUWTK. Life & Style spoke to an “NYC-based clinical psychologist” about it for some reason, and he said Kylie’s reaction “isn’t abnormal for a teen in [her] situation.” Oh really, doc? You’ve studied other teens in her “situation”? How many of them could there possibly be? How many teens have been internationally famous for the entirety of their formative years? And how many of those teens watched their father come out as transgender on national television? And how many of those teens are the youngest and least famous of five sisters? My guess is something close to exactly one.

Why is Life & Style still writing boring things about Amal Clooney and George Clooney? Ooooooh, they sleep in separate bedrooms! Ooooooooh, Amal is skinny! I guess I’ll just have to make up more scandalous gossip for them again. OK. So. I heard Amal Clooney has been playing hooky and spending every day the the Nintendo Store in Rockefeller Center. She dresses up in a dadbod suit—complete with facial prosthetics and a wig—and plays the Wii U demo units for hours on end, beating all the store visitors at Mario Kart 8 and Smash Brothers while pretending to be a tourist named Hal. George knows all about her habit but doesn’t care because he thinks the man suit is sexy. There. Gossip complete.

And Also:

Life & Style is also reporting that Ben and Jennifer are getting a divorce so it’s basically confirmed.
Rihanna’s family hates Leonardo DiCaprio.
Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are moving in together.
Khloe and Lamar’s marriage is finally ending.
Sofia Vergara’s egg scandal will never end.
If your nail polish ain’t pink, then you really stink.
If your sunglasses aren’t mirrored you should probably just go blind.
Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are breaking up.
Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are breaking up.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (The Madden brothers ask you for relationship advice.)

inTouch

DUGGARS: MORE DARK SECRETS EXPOSED: HOUSE OF TERRORS

The Duggars are a mess and I don’t want to write about them because it’s just not fun. I mean look at this cover. No. Absolutely not. Not them. Not in this post.

Selena Gomez is spiraling out of control and it’s all because of Justin Bieber. He didn’t do anything to her per se, but he does still exist after their split, and that’s just too much for her to bear. Sources say “Selena was heartbroken when Justin went public with [Jayde Pierce],” a British model. Hey Selena? Don’t go boozin’ and druggin’ all because of someone literally no one on the planet but Justin Bieber knows.

Kanye hired a surrogate behind Kim’s back, and Kim is “flipping out.” She wants to keep trying for pregnancy, but Kanye is sick of waiting. After being told she couldn’t get pregnant, Kim proved the doctors wrong. By all accounts, North is a perfect baby, and she thinks she can have another one. Kanye, on the other hand, does not. “Having sex with Kim has started to feel like a job to him,” says a source. And we all know he has a more important job: executive producing Rihanna’s next album.

Who On Earth?

And Also:

There are a bunch of photos of celebs participating in Red Nose Day. Too bad I never figured out what Red Nose Day was.
Sentence of the week: “Everyone thinks Julie [Bowen] is annoying.”
Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino is NOT nervous about his tax fraud trial.
If you don’t wear aqua this week I will force you to listen to Aqua all week.
Rihanna loves statement lips so you’d better love statement lips too.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (Someone wallpapers your entire home in the cover of this issue.)

Star

AMAL: GOLD DIGGER!

No!!!!!! Amal is not a gold digger. Amal is successful as hell. Amal has her own money. Amal doesn’t need George. Again, people. Make something better up. Like, oh, Amal is a gold hoarder. Yeah. That’s good. I heard from some idiot source that Amal collects gold all the damn time that she keeps it in a Paramus, NJ storage unit. She buys some of it. She steals some of it. But all of it ends up in that storage unit. Yep. Amal hoards gold. I can’t believe it, but it’s true.

Khloe Kardashian wants to divorce Lamar Odom but Lamar doesn’t want to leave so he’s losing his mind and drinking more and eating more and also stalking her. That’s right, Lamar is stalking Khloe. Earlier this month he was seen “intoxicated and not happy at all” at a “Las Vegas eatery” because he was hoping Khloe—scheduled to present at the Billboard Music Awards—would be there. Creepy, right? But “the harder Lamar pushes, the more Khloe pulls away.” Though she fears finalizing their divorce “could send him over the edge,” she knows “it might just give Lamar the closure he needs.” Spoiler alert: this shitty issue is getting an F, too.

Flip past Duggar news.

Flip past more Duggar news.

Who On Earth?

And Also:

Taylor Kitsch and Vince Vaughn are enemies in season 2 of True Detective and IRL.
Lo Bosworth ate a burger and was seen “raving” about it.
Bethenny’s new man is rich as hell.
Babs does NOT want Josh Brolin, her stepson, to marry his former employee.
Police once found the host of 500 Questions (what???) in Central Park with a rope tied around his neck and his balls. He also had meth in his pocket. Cool. Still don’t know what 500 Questions is.
Gigi Hadid is hooking up with Joe Jonas. I guess he was the last single man left? Wow. No more single men on the planet. How odd.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (Lo Bosworth won’t stop telling you about some good burger she ate recently.)

Appendix:

Fig 1. – inTouch

Fig 2. – Life & Style

Fig. 3 – Star

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