So much drama today in Midweek Madness! There might be four SATC flicks; Heidi Montag’s a prisoner in her own home; Lindsay Lohan’s telling her little sister to get a nose job and implants, James Franco’s student film features penises.
Ok!
“Rob Tells Oprah: Kristen’s Pregnant!”
How does this magazine not get sued? Here’s how: When talking about all the tabloid speculation surrounding their relationship, Robert Pattinson joked that Kristen Stewart was knocked up, and KStew quipped, yeah and he’s carrying the baby. What you need to know here is that Kristen Stewart is not pregnant, but Rob uttering the line “suggests he’s got babies on the mind,” according to the mag. Dr. Robie Ludwig, a psychotherapist and relationship expert who has never treated the couple, says: “In a way, he’s letting the public know that he’s having sex with her.” Uh, okay. In other not-real pregnancy news, a source says Sienna Miller wants to “make it official” with Jude Law — “she really wants to get pregnant.” Cameron Diaz and Kate Hudson are still “at war” over Alex Rodriguez. Kate is “desperate” to get back together with A-Rod and finds it “humiliating” that he’s with Cammie. “It was like a knife through her heart,” a source says. Next, Heidi Montag has become Spencer Pratt’s “little blonde puppet.” He made her give up all her friends and choose between him and her family, and they argue about which of them is more famous. As for Kendra, a source says that her mother and her brother see this whole sex tape thing as a way to make money now that Kendra is soooo famous. A guy from Vivid describes what’s on the tape: “It’s an amazing strip tease from her, and at the end of the tape, she blows a kiss to the camera. It’s not set up. It feels very natural. That’s what’s going to make this tape so special.” You know, we thought he’d say something different after the word “blows.” Lastly: Here’s what Ivanka Trump ate today: She started with a cappuccino, then Greek yogurt with pomegranate seeds mixed in. Then she had a tunafish sandwich at her desk and a snack of mozzarella sticks. For dinner: Pasta, with cheese on top. Scintillating.
Grade: F (Bounced Checks And The City)
Life & Style
“Headed For A Split”
Apparently Hank is “totally upset and embarrassed” that Kendra has a sex tape — which might get released. According to the mag, “because she got engaged to the man of her dreams, she hid her questionable behavior from him.” And the main reason he’s embarrassed is because of his NFL team’s possible reaction — but he’s also very religious and making her pray. “Should she be on suicide watch?” asks the mag, pointing out that she hasn’t posted to her blog or Twitter account since May 3. Moving on: James Franco showed his film — his graduate thesis project — at NYU recently, and an eyewitness says: “It pretty much had no plot and featured men in clown masks, men in dog masks, and shots of male genitalia urinating. I think everyone was shocked by how much male nudity there was.” The mags claims Franco is “obsessed with naked men!” Next: Heidi is “trapped inside Spencer’s prison.” He is forcing Heidi to clean up after their un-housebroken dogs, the horror! Also, all the windows at their house are covered in covered in dark cloths and all exits are blocked. Heidi has been allowed to leave the house only three times in the last month. “To insure that Heidi doesn’t disobey him, Spencer has moved a guard into the house,” reports the mag. Spencer tells Life & Style: “It’s true, I do have a Marine in the house. He’s helping me write a script. And yes, we’ve been out of the house only three times this month, but that’s because I’m busy working on several business ventures.” Meanwhile, Heidi wants to get another breast augmentation surgery — and go up to a size H — in the next six weeks. Sandra Bullock is now living in New Orleans, and she visited a few “small but prestigious” art galleries. “It seems like she’s getting personally involved in the decoration of her new home.” Next: Kim Kardashian without makeup! (see image 7) — too bad 63% of people polled prefer Kim Kardashian with makeup (see image 8).
Grade: D- (Rednecks And The City)
Us
“The Battle For Heidi”
A source says Spencer has “brainwashed” Heidi and made her turn her back in her family. Apparently Heidi’s role on The Hills was reduced after she objected to a faux-divorce storyline. And Spencer is not just a villain on TV, but in real life! “This isn’t for the cameras, this is real,” says a source. Heidi’s mom Darlene tells the mag, “I haven’t spoken to Heidi since the filming of the premiere.” That includes Mother’s Day! Darlene has been writing to Heidi, but Heidi never responds. A source says that Heidi has Spencer’s attitude now, which is, “I know what’s best for me, you’re out to get me.” Heidi also repeats dialogue Spencer has uttered as if those thoughts are her own. A Pratt family friend says: “It’s like they’re in Grey Gardens. They’re in their own world.” A “local” says: No one ever visits.” And someone else says: “Heidi sits and stares in a mirror while Spencer plots and schemes all day.” It’s like Disney villain central! A palate cleanser: Don Draper in a hot car (see image 9)! Jenny McCarthy is “worried” about Jim Carrey because he has mood swings and seems addicted to Twitter. When Tori and Dean renewed their vows, guests tossed white feathers — which Tori said were like “angel wings.” Um, are those angels molting or something? Bird flu? Lastly: Kate Hudson and Cameron Diaz are having a “nasty feud” over A-Rod, but a insider says: “Kate’s only upset because she hates being single.”
Grade: D- (Hex And The City)
Star
“46 Best And Worst Beach Bodies”
Every few months, Star pulls out the “beach bodies” issue (in November there were 48 best and worst beach bodies, did two people die?) It’s always the most disgusting and depressing issue, since it niptpicks, magnifies, judges and zeroes-in on people trying to have fun on their damn vacation. This week, there are 12 pages of ladies and dudes in swimsuits. Kelly from The Real Housewives Of New York is too skinny; Julie Bowen from Modern Family “hasn’t gotten her tummy back in top shape” after having twins — although it looks pretty damn flat and amazing to us. Seal has a “jelly belly” and “moobs.” And Teri Hatcher has cellulite. The nerve of some people. Moving on: Did Jude Law get Botox, Restylane and Juvederm? Or are thse just pictures of him with two different expressions (see image 10)? Is Gwen Stefani pregnant? She’s wearing a bracelet which relieves morning sickness (see image 11), and was spotted “pulling at her shirt” too keep it from clinging to her “baby bump.” Catherine Zeta-Jones is so skinny, she is “Skin and Jones.” Michelle Duggar says she would “love” more kids, but knows her mommy years are “probably” numbered. She and husband Jim Bob might adopt. Blind item! “Which fading starlet is trying to force her younger sister into plastic surgery? She told the young wanna-be model that she’ll never make it in the biz unless she goes under the knife, so the little sib is set to get a nose job and breast implants, ASAP.” Okay, well, we think this is about Lindsay and Ali; rumors about LL’s nose job and implants have been around a while. But some think Ali already got a nose job. So. Next: While filming Just Go With It in Hawaii, Jennifer Aniston and Nicole Kidman were working out side-by-side at the gym in their hotel in Maui and had a “heart to heart” in which they found out that they have a lot in common. They compared Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt, making fun of their quirks, and Jen said that Brad could be a selfish lover, and that their sex life came to a stand still at the end of their marriage. Nicole told Jen that sometimes she and Tom “went a long time” without affection. Nic advised Jen that even if she doesn’t meet the right guy, she should have a baby or adopt, because “motherhood is the most fulfilling thing she’ll ever do.” According to the mag, “Jen had tears in her eyes when Nic said that.” Chrishell Stause, who is on All My Children, used to be engaged to Glee‘s Matthew Morrison, They called off heir wedding because he hooked up with Lea Michele! Except Chrishell tells the mag that’s a false rumor. Lindsay Lohan is broke. She was told that she’s racked up more than $1 million in bills that need to paid IMMEDIATELY, and is also $23,000 behind on her rent. The mag lists the companies threatening to sue her, and the firms include a chauffeur company, and insurance company, and the guy who invited her to the Vienna Opera Ball, which she did not attend.
Grade: D (Czechs And The City)
In Touch
“Secrets Of Sex & The City“
Margaret struggled through eight pages of random (some recycled) quotes from the ladies of Sex And The City 2: Just Deux It, pictures of clothes and a couple of spoilers: The ladies shot a bunch of fake scenes — and one ending in which Carrie and Big end up together, and one in which they don’t. Carrie learns she may be carrying Big’s baby, and Samantha goes on hormones to get pregnant, but the pills fire up her libido more than ever. She has a “close to X-rated scene” with Smith. Plans for a third movie are already in the works! The working title? Sex And The City 3: Menage A Trois. AND: They’re talking about a fourth installment. Also, Chris Noth may have had an eye lift and a neck lift, but the “girls” are “all natural.” (see image 12) Jennifer Hudson has “triumphed over tragedy”; “two years after her family was murdered, she is ready to wed.” On the set of The Tourist, Johnny Depp is getting on Angelina Jolie’s nerves: Their chemistry was supposed to fly off the charts, but they’re actually not getting along! She feels Johnny doesn’t spend enough times on his looks: “She was disappointed that he didn’t get in better shape for the role, and that he didn’t want to cut his hair,” says a source. “Johnny thinks she’s diva” and retreats to his trailer until he’s called out again. He thinks she’s really full of herself. But! According to the mag, Johnny is like Brad: They both have a casual style. the both love to drink, and they spoil their kids. ZOMG twinz. Scarlett Johansson brought her brother to the White House Correspondents Dinner, and was overheard saying that she has “issues” with Ryan Reynolds because they haven’t seen each other — they fight over scheduling. He’s been shooting Green Lantern with Blake Lively… uh oh. Scott Disick’s new scheme is to marry Kourtney Kardashian on some E! show and he’s asking for $1 million to do so. Kourtney’s been offered a six-figure deal to get married on E! this year, and she’s hoping Scott will do it. And she’s hoping for a Newlyweds-type reality show after that. Machete director Robert Rodriguez says Lindsay Lohan: “Isn’t any different from any girl her age. She has the same problems that a lot of our daughters have, but she’s in the public eye all the time. I’ve seen them carry some other girl the same age out of that same club and nobody cares a damn.” In “Extreme Celebrity Diets,” Lea Michele is taking B12 shots, Jennifer Aniston is on the baby food diet, which apparently is okay to do for a short period of time, and Renée Zellweger drinks coffee all the time to stay “superthin” for Bradley Cooper. Halle Berry is jealous because Gabriel Aubry is dating some 20-something model in Toronto. He was away in Canada a lot when they were together — and she’s wondering if he was interested in this woman back then. Finally: Kingston Rossdale’s idol is Sue Sylvester! (see image 13)
Grade: D+ (Spandex And The City)
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