This Week In Tabloids: The Jenners Need to Lock Their Bedroom Doors!

By Bobby Finger  |  May 6, 2015 | 7:00pm
Celebrities

Welcome to Midweek Madness, where we take photos of ourselves for 10 years and then put them together in a 455-page book meant to be displayed on the coffee tables of complete strangers. Today we’ll be taking selfies with headlines about Kris Jenner being caught in bed with Lamar Odom, Kourtney getting her body back from wherever it was being held captive, George and Amal’s inevitable divorce, and more information about the tragic death of Robin Williams.

Now switch to your front-facing camera because it’s time to begin.

inTouch

ROBIN WILLIAMS SUICIDE NOTE FINALLY FOUND

Let’s begin on a sad note because I want to get it over with and not talk about it again. The headline for this one, billed as an inTouch exclusive, was “ROBIN WILLIAMS: SUICIDE NOTE FINALLY FOUND,” but after reading it’s clear that there was not just one note, there were many. Williams left a “trail of papers with messages on them.” One said, “Time to go.” Another, “I’m done with that.” A psychologist said the notes “show a person who was very impulsive.” I say they’re sad and that I’m going to stop writing about it.

OK. Take a moment to clear your mind. Deep breaths. In. Hold. Out. Hold. In. Hold.

Ashley Olsen has Lyme disease. Gah! OK. Another deep breath. This is not going to be a good issue, I can feel it in my bones. Anyway, yes, Ashley was bitten by a deer tick and was given its world-famous Lyme borreliosis. The trendiest of debilitating diseases, Lyme has stricken celebrities like Yolanda Foster, Avril Lavigne, Debbie Gibson, and Irene from The Real World: Seattle. Apparently Ashley discovered she had the disease “years ago,” but the diagnosis was late and her condition has “gotten worse.” A few paragraphs after the one that says “It’s gotten worse,” you’ll find the sentence, “There is no indication that Ashley is sick.” So who the hell knows what “worse” even means. I can’t even imagine Ms. Olsen being in the kind of grassy area where deer ticks live, let alone exposing enough skin for one to bite.

But deer ticks aren’t the only bugs biting celebs these days! Kris Jenner has apparently been gnawed on by the bender bug! (Please send all complaints to [email protected].) Kris has allegedly reacted to her “crumbling reputation” by poppin’ and boozin’ (she calls the pills and alcohol “Mama’s little helpers”), and Khloe has “called her out on it.” She “never holds back and told her to cool it on the boozing—especially around the house.” Apparently all her kids “know Kris will pop a pill before going to bed, but lately she’s been taking them to help her get through a tough day, and every day now seems to be a tough day.” Fortunately for Kris, the only alcohol-related photo inTouch could find of her was one where she’s very soberly holding an empty martini glass. I think it was taken in a store? Maybe a Crate & Barrel? Was Kris Jenner drunk in Crate & Barrel?

And Also:

  • Mariah Carey DEMANDS bendy straws and if you do not give her bendy straws she will show you that there’s an end to infinityyYYyYyyYyYyYYYYyYyYyYyyYYYy.
  • inTouch thinks Chris Hemsworth and Scott Eastwood look alike lol.
  • Bruce Jenner is gonna marry a woman named Ronda Kamihira.
  • Amal Clooney is losing too much weight and won’t stop fighting with George about it.
  • Reese Witherspoon wants Ryan Phillippe to stay the hell away from their kids because she “doesn’t like his lifestyle.” “Lifestyle” is probably code for “being Ryan Phillippe.”
  • Jessica Alba has a “girl crush” on Mindy Kaling.
  • Brooklyn Decker is pregnant and Andy Roddick is the father and I’m sitting here like, “Who?”
  • For the love of god, wear tangerine.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: F (You’re suddenly alone. You think you’re the last human on the planet.)

Star

KRIS: CAUGHT IN BED WITH LAMAR!

Oh my goodness! Looks like pills and booze are mama’s only little helper, because Kris Jenner is boffing Lamar Odom – her daughter’s husband! Star reminds us that, in an episode of Keeping Up With the Kardashians, Khloe yelled, “He’s available if you want to fuck him!” at Kris. And it seems like she listened! “The alleged incident is said to have taken place in the spring of 2014, a few months after Khloe, 30, had filed for divorce against Lamar.” Kris and Lamar “met for a heart to heart,” but they quickly found themselves B===D to ( Y ), and then “one of Lamar’s mistresses” (one of!) walked in and found them together. It’s not the first time Kris has had a side piece, though. She admitted to cheating on the late Robert Kardashian with a pro soccer player named Todd Waterman, the man whose name is arguably the worst of all her sexual partners.

Rosie O’Donnell and Michelle Rounds’ custody battle is getting uglier by the second! When Michelle isn’t accusing Rosie of drinking too much and smoking too much and yelling too much, she’s out on the town being photographed with other women – one of whom, Carmen Ortega, allegedly broke up Reggie Bush’s marriage. Sources say she’s trying so hard to get full custody because the child support she could potentially is far more than what she’s guaranteed by their prenup – which is probably just Tom Cruise laserdiscs that have been sliced in half. One insider says, “Rosie will do anything to get what she wants. But of course, so will Michelle.” Another reminder to never get married or have kids or befriend anyone or leave the house.

Kim Richards is haunted…by her past! I would not be surprised if she’s also haunted by ghosts looking to reconnect with their loved ones by using Kim as a vessel, but because Star didn’t mention that, we’ll just stick with her past. Though she has “blamed her drinking on everything from the stress of the show to her fractured relationship with her sister Kyle, Star has learned that the problems behind her substance abuse issues began many years ago.” Sad, but unsurprising. Her mom was “hard-drinking” and “money-hungry,” and Kim was the one who, as a 12-year-old, would have to “pick her up at different bars.” Later in life, her fiance was shot to death while the two were speaking on the phone. Basically Andy Cohen didn’t create her problems, he merely exacerbated them.

And Also:

  • Lindsey Lohan had a breakdown on the street in Milan even though she’s not there for a semester studying abroad.
  • Charlize Theron and Robin Wright hate each other and oh my god my imagination is on overdrive isn’t yours?
  • Lisa Vanderpump thinks she’s “the next Oprah.”
  • Lady Gaga is pregnant and the father is NOT Tony Bennett.
  • Scott Eastwood is desperate to date Katharine McPhee for some reason.
  • Kanye and Kim had to WAIT for a table at a sushi restaurant because no one in Calabasas is impressed by them anymore.
  • Nick Lachey bought a card for his mom.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D+ (You’re suddenly alone. You think you’re the last human on the planet. Then you open a door and walk in on Kris Jenner having sex with Lamar Odom.)

OK!

NEW MOM KOURTNEY: I GOT MY BODY BACK!

I don’t know where Kourtney Kardashian’s body went, but she sure as hell found it. In this week’s cover story, she reveals how she got it back, and it doesn’t involve Liam Neeson.

How To Get A Body Back, According to Kourtney Kardashian:

  1. Work out
  2. Eat a lot of little meals
  3. Cut out sweets
  4. Breast feed, because it burns calories

Those seem like great tips for losing weight, but I’m not quite sure where the whole “getting the body back” comes in. Do you sneak up on the body after one of the little meals? Throw a bag of Oreos at the body to knock it out and make it easier to capture? I’d really like to know, and this article provided nothing resembling an answer.

Miley is done with men! #YesAllMen! Done with ‘em. She’s moved on to women and is staying there because men suck. Insiders are reporting that she’s “ready to swear off guys for good…[and that] she’s looking for a female soul mate.” She’s said female friends “have been more encouraging,” and that “guys watch too much porn.” Patrick Schwarzenegger? Dumb man. Liam Hemsworth? Jerk man. Sky Ferreira? That’s more like it. Find your truth and follow it, Miley! Send a wrecking balls through those worthless balls!

Nikki Reed and Ian Somerhalder rushed in to their marriage and insiders say they’re going to pay the price. Some believe it’s merely a rebound relationship for Nikki, as her divorce from Paul McDonald was finalized “just days before Ian put a ring on it.” I, however, say these two know exactly what they’re doing and that their marriage is going to be a complete success. I barely knew who either of them were, but thanks to the near-constant tabloid coverage of their whirlwind romance, I can now identify them when photographed from less than 10 feet away!

And Also:

  • Bethenny Frankel needs to check her ego before it wrecks her ego.
  • Sarah Hyland is healthy and doesn’t care that people are saying otherwise.
  • Iggy Azalea is good at riding horses.
  • Jessica Alba is good at making people cry.
  • Tara Reid is good at destroying marriages.
  • Cameron Diaz and Benji Madden are still married and in therapy.
  • Renee Zellweger and her beau are soon to be married and in therapy.

Interview Response of the Week: Blake Lively

Grade: D- (You’re suddenly alone. You think you’re the last human on the planet. Then suddenly you open a door and walk in on Selena Gomez yelling at Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner.)

Life & Style

GEORGE & AMAL’S NIGHTMARE: DIVORCE TURNS NASTY

George and Amal are getting a divorce. I feel like I’ve been writing that sentence for weeks, but this time it’s probably true because Life & Style published a photo of George 215 days ago next to a photo George now and he looks so much more stressed out and you can’t deny a photo, right? You just can’t. Their marriage is over, they don’t have a prenup, and $200 million is on the line. The two are fighting over Amal’s “wild spending sprees and mean girl attitude” to George’s female friends, NOT TO MENTION the fact that George wants a baby and Amal doesn’t. Sources say a divorce would turn voters against him when he runs for governor of California. Read that last sentence again, I’ll wait. Did you read it? Good. Just making sure.

Another Jenner was caught in bed with a spoken-for man! This time it was Kendall and Justin, in the bedroom, with the candlestick. (Selena Gomez is the candlestick.) Why don’t the Jenners lock their doors? And what is Selena doing wandering around someone else’s house? “After Coachella, when Selena and Justin were still a couple, Selena showed up at his house and walked in on him and Kendall in bed together, fooling around.” Anyway, the candlestick “literally freaked out,” but Kendall is “devastated” too. Another relationship ruined by breaking and entering.

Level OT VIII Matchmakers at the Church of Scientology are ready to find the perfect collection of thetans for Tom Cruise! Yes, they’re trying to find him wife #4 and are holding auditions for the role. “Tom’s looking for a prospect who’s beautiful, smart and under 5-foot-5 (he’s 5-foot-7).” The potential bride also has to “treat him like a king” and be willing to accept the fact that one day—maybe soon, or maybe decades after the wedding—she’ll find herself running. From what is unclear, but she will be running. Running through a cold, empty field towards something, anything other than where she is. Her clothes will be tattered. She will be breathless and sweaty, unable to stop until she’s far, far away. And she may find that she’ll never be far enough.

And Also:

  • Mariah Carey banned women from her “grand entrance at Caesar’s Palace…to ensure that eyes would be on her.”
  • Jennifer Aniston is partying without Justin Theroux.
  • Nicki is at war with Beyonce and I don’t know which side to fight for. JK I’m team Nicki.
  • Tori and Dean want to renew their vows before their spotlight finally explodes and covers them with shards of glass.
  • Kate Middleton isn’t sleeping.
  • Do not wear tangerine, as inTouch suggested. Wear coral. Swear to me on everything you hold dear that you will wear nothing but coral.
  • And fringe. Wear fringe too. Coral fringe, if possible.

Wrong Answer:

Grade: D (You’re suddenly alone. You think you’re the last human on the planet – which means no one will see your coral fringe outfit.)

Addendum:

Fig. 1 – inTouch

Fig. 2 – inTouch (will one of you buy this?)

Fig. 3 – inTouch

Fig. 4 – inTouch

Fig. 5 – Life & Style

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