Sad! Florida Man Bummed to Miss Wife’s Birthday Due to Trial Involving Alleged Mistresses

I’ll say it: I hate birthdays! They bring up all kinds of emotional landmines and intrusive thoughts about who really loves you, who’s really there for you, who cares enough to spend the day with you—not to mention the sting of old memories. So, I’m pouring one out for Melania Trump right now, since her husband, former President Trump, can’t spend her birthday with her today. Why, you ask? Trump had to report to Manhattan criminal court, where he’s on trial facing 34 felony charges for allegedly sending hush money (during his 2016 presidential campaign) to two adult film stars he cheated on Melania with in the 2000s. In one case, Trump allegedly cheated on Melania with Stormy Daniels in 2006 while Melania was pregnant with Trump’s son, Baron. I’m sure that’s a fun memory to be reminded of on your birthday!

Addressing reporters outside the court on Friday, Trump greeted his wife a happy birthday and expressed frustration with the deep state conspiracy that forced him to cheat on her and now, years later, miss her birthday: “I want to start by wishing my wife Melania a very happy birthday. It would be nice to be with her, but I’m at a courthouse for a rigged trial,” Trump said. Predictably, he then found a way to make his oh-so-loving birthday message to his wife all about the witch hunt against him: “It’s a rigged trial, terrible, but we’re doing very well in this rigged trial,” he continued. “Everybody knows it.”