Sad! Florida Man Bummed to Miss Wife’s Birthday Due to Trial Involving Alleged Mistresses

I’ll say it: I hate birthdays! They bring up all kinds of emotional landmines and intrusive thoughts about who really loves you, who’s really there for you, who cares enough to spend the day with you—not to mention the sting of old memories. So, I’m pouring one out for Melania Trump right now, since her husband, former President Trump, can’t spend her birthday with her today. Why, you ask? Trump had to report to Manhattan criminal court, where he’s on trial facing 34 felony charges for allegedly sending hush money (during his 2016 presidential campaign) to two adult film stars he cheated on Melania with in the 2000s. In one case, Trump allegedly cheated on Melania with Stormy Daniels in 2006 while Melania was pregnant with Trump’s son, Baron. I’m sure that’s a fun memory to be reminded of on your birthday!

Addressing reporters outside the court on Friday, Trump greeted his wife a happy birthday and expressed frustration with the deep state conspiracy that forced him to cheat on her and now, years later, miss her birthday: “I want to start by wishing my wife Melania a very happy birthday. It would be nice to be with her, but I’m at a courthouse for a rigged trial,” Trump said. Predictably, he then found a way to make his oh-so-loving birthday message to his wife all about the witch hunt against him: “It’s a rigged trial, terrible, but we’re doing very well in this rigged trial,” he continued. “Everybody knows it.”

"I would be with my wife Melania for her birthday, but I have to be in court for 34 criminal counts of falsifying business records to reimburse my lawyer for laundering $130,000 in hush money to the woman I cheated on my wife Melania with while my wife Melania was pregnant" https://t.co/BRrwUkrJBp

— Chris OIIey (@chrisoIIey) April 26, 2024

Well, to that I’ll say, of course, Trump thinks his trial is going “very well”—he’s been sleeping through most of it. Any time I’m able to get in some precious ZZZs, I also think things are going “very well.”

All of that said, maybe I’m needlessly making a martyr out of Melania. Yes, her husband allegedly cheated on her while she was pregnant almost 20 years ago and that’s snowballed into him now missing her 54th birthday. But there’s very little evidence to suggest she even wants him to be there—in fact, there’s far more evidence suggesting the opposite. So, happy birthday to her, I guess???