We Watched Flowers in the Attic So You Didn't Have To

By Sara Benincasa | January 21, 2014 | 8:20pm

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It is a truth often told that “Flowers in the Attic” is the most important book ever written for women, at least for women currently in their 30s and 40s. 56-year-old V.C. Andrews gave us so much in this campy, insane tome. And somehow, a creepy book about being locked in an attic and making sex with your brother has been a reliable bestseller for decades. Go figure!

This past weekend, we got a second movie adaptation: a Lifetime TV production starring the inimitable Ellen Burstyn, the darling Kiernan Shipka (Sally Draper!) and of course, the unforgettable Heather Graham. My dear friend and longtime comedy partner/trauma doula Diana Saez flew all the way to Los Angeles from her home in Minneapolis just to watch the heinous movie and make this video with me for you, dear readers. May it bless your life in the way that this made-for-TV disaster blessed ours. You’ll also spot our official mixologist, Stacey Garratt; comedian Benari Poulten (AKA GI Jew) and the disembodied voice of comedian H. Alan Scott, who basically lay on the floor the entire time and said things too horrible and bitchy to be included in the final edit. Oh, and just so you know, the sex in the movie is portrayed as fully consensual. Um, yeah. Enjoy, my darling petals in the wind, enjoy.