We'll All Live on One of Those New Planets Before E! News Gets Shade Right

By Kara Brown | February 24, 2017 | 8:20pm

In Depth In Depth

We'll All Live on One of Those New Planets Before E! News Gets Shade Right

Image by Tara Jacoby, featuring the shade artist at a young age. :

Some days I look at the young, fresh-faced, curmudgeonly child in the photo above and wonder: how is it possible that she is now 367 years old? Then I remember Donald Trump is president and people still don’t know how to use shade correctly. Life is long and it’s even longer when everybody has lost their goddamn mind.

In this week’s Shade Court, dudes be fightin’, nobody is Team Rory and E! News is cancelled.

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000024

The Case: Drake and Kanye West are what those of us who were teens in the early 2000s call “frenemies.” It seems like they sort of like each other, but mostly don’t, though they are willing to come together if there’s an opportunity for more fame and money.

In a recent interview, Drake complained about Kanye’s erratic friendship and the apparent shit-talking Kanye has done in the past.

Kanye has been a lot less vocal since suffering an alleged breakdown and spending time in hospital, but Drake notes, “Whatever it is that you’re going through, I accept it. I don’t respect it all.”

Hmm. Ok.

I think I understand what he’s saying even though he didn’t say it very well. Was Drake perhaps trying to make a salient point about how we shouldn’t conflate Kanye’s asshole behavior—of which he has a long history—with his apparent mental illness especially since none of us know him and we’re not his doctors and it paints a reductive picture of what mental illness looks like? Maybe!

More likely, I believe Drake is saying he understands Kanye is going through some issues but that doesn’t mean he can’t be upset about all the negative things he’s said.

Drake continued, addressing their 2016 single “Pop Style,” which no one remembers. There was some behind the scenes drama with the release of the song due to their conflicting deals with Tidal and Apple Music.

“It just became a bit of an issue,” Drake said, explaining his line of thought during the process. “When Kanye comes out to do it at the shows, it goes crazy…He was pretty upset. At that time, we were working together pretty heavy. And he wanted to be on the record.”

The Defendant: Marie Claire

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Clearly this is just Drake complaining about his frenemy and none of this is shade. So let’s briefly pivot. I’d like to point out this post ends with the line:

So, yeah. Weather report = shady ⛅.

So, yeah. What???? Yeah what???? You have proven exactly nothing.

Birds are flying through the sky today. So, yeah.

I had polenta for dinner. So, yeah.

Hippopotamus. So, yeah.

The confidence on display here is honestly a marvel. Drake didn’t say anything that could possibly be construed as shade and you have the nerve to end this with a mic drop and exactly no breakdown of how this might be shade? I won’t even comment on the weather report pun because NOT IN COURTROOM FIVE OH TWO.

Drake complaining about Kanye or Kanye complaining about Drake should no longer be a headline. It’s not like you turn on CNN and hear: “Good morning, after much anticipation all night, the sun did indeed rise today. I’m Wolf Blitzer, and I’m entirely unhelpful.”

Though, now that I think about it, maybe we should.

The Ruling: Not shade

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000025

The Case: Before anyone starts with me, I know Chrissy Teigen isn’t being accused of shading pizza, but as you will see, my inability to figure out a better photo selection is the least of our worries.

Earlier this week, a Twitter account you don’t follow tried to ruin everyone’s day with this inane tweet:

The Defendant: Elite Daily

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: For starters, I’d like to see the receipts on this little fact. “Three spoons,” eh? What kind of spoons? Does the warmth of the oil really matter here? Excuse me for not trusting a nutritional breakdown from something called Naija Gym Blog. Perhaps if it were Dr. Naija Gym Blog I’d be less skeptical.

The headline of this story truly is a wild ride isn’t it? Pizza has somehow become both an individual and sentient, capable of having both honor and the ability to be shaded. Let’s adapt Ms. Corey’s words slightly and see if this still works:

I don’t tell pizza it’s unhealthy because pizza knows it’s unhealthy.

Wow, it’s almost like that’s completely stupid and not at all shade.

And although she’s wonderful, Chrissy Teigen’s participation here is barely worth mentioning simply because she had the same response as every single person who read that tweet did:

The Ruling: Not shade/are you high?

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000026

The Case: Milo Ventimiglia was promoting his emotionally abusive television program on The Tonight Show when the conversation of course turned to Gilmore Girls. Jimmy Fallon grew curiously excited—around minute 2:00—by a debate about whether Milo is “Team Jess,” “Team Dean,” or “Team Logan.”

After a wishy-washy answer, Milo finally asks: “Were those guys team Rory?” and shrugs.

The Defendant: BuzzFeed

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: Listen. Listen to me. LISTEN TO ME RIGHT NOW.

1) Rory sucks.

2) No one should be team Rory because, see: #1

3) Rory deserves none of them because, see: #1

4) None of these fucking people are real

Although I hate to admit it because I hate this conversation, that was a rather shady response from Milo. Still, is it really that serious? Are the feelings behind his comment deep and petty enough to push this into the realm of shade? Does Milo Ventimiglia actually care whether two fictional people have good intentions with another fictional person? I’m going to this because I don’t want to think any deeper about this than I already have.

The Ruling: Shade

Shade Court Docket #2017JZ000027

The Case: Karl Lagerfeld is an incomparable asshole with stupid hair.

The story today is how the Chanel designer claims Meryl Streep ordered a dress from him, but later canceled because she found a designer who would pay her to wear their garment. Lagerfeld summed up the story: “A genius actress, but cheapness also, no?” which is honestly remarkable in its bitchiness.

E! News really dug deep and pulled together a few more examples of Karl Lagerfeld being rude as hell to women—remarks they dub as shade.

“I prefer Adele and Florence Welch,” he said. “But as a modern singer she is not bad. The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.”

Lana Del Rey is not bad at all,” Lagerfeld told Metro. “She looks very much like a modern-time singer. In her photos, she is beautiful. Is she a construct with all her implants? She’s not alone with implants.”

“She was pretty and she was sweet, but she was stupid,” Lagerfeld told New York Magazine in 2006 about the beloved late princess, mother of Kate’s husband.

The Defendant: E! News

The Evidence:

The Deliberation: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. FOR THE SAKE OF DECENCY. FOR THE MERCY OF OUR BROKEN DOWN SOULS.

Does anything matter anymore? Of course it doesn’t.

They seriously complied a list of Karl Lagerfeld making boldface, asshole statements and have the nerve to call it shade. I expect nothing at all from E! News but something has got to give. The DISRESPECT must end. THE FAKE NEWS MUST END.

I mean, since apparently we can just say whatever the fuck we want now, I am now the owner of E! News. All Kardashian-related programming is canceled. Ryan Seacrest’s only duty now is to send tweets for me. Any E! employee who has used the word “shade” at any point during the last three years must be locked in an uncomfortably cold movie theater and watch Paris Is Burning on loop until the spirit of Dorian Corey allows you to leave. It as been decreed.

The Ruling: Not shade