Teen bride Courtney Stodden shocked America when she sauntered into the news after marrying former Lost actor Doug Hutchison, and it’s been impossible for us to tear our eyes away from her since. Hutchison, at 51, is 35 years her senior, but their age difference is the least of what’s compelling about this pair. There are the interview histrionics: Courtney spends every interview alternately licking her lips and staring at Doug’s mouth, laughing at inappropriate moments, and generally acting totally tweaked out while Doug, in Sincerity Mode, insists that their love is real. There’s Courtney’s “80’s-porn-star-trying-to-make-a-comeback-in-the-90’s” sartorial choices, the reality show rumors. But the most compelling and important product of this holy union is, by far, Courtney’s completely bonkers Twitter account, which reads like a sexual mad lib written by a troubled fifth grader combined with a spambot combined with a Craigslist ad for erotic massage as composed by someone working from an outdated ESL dictionary. She mostly writes about being naked and licking things or touching herself, and it always seems implied that she’s on the brink of orgasm, unless she’s tweeting a scripture verse that demands the reader let the Lord direct all your paths. It’s simultaneously hilarious and heartbreaking and confusing. One must laugh so one does not cry.