I’ve gone on record as not being a gigantic fan of “the Pope” as an institution. As I am not a Catholic, I have no obligation to think of him as anything other than some guy—some guy who’s appointed via smoke-monster to be the ideological leader of millions of people; some guy whose predecessors have used that power to push regressive legislation, oppressive moralism, and the prioritization of their own asses over the physical sanctity of children; some guy whose appointment sends us into collective gaga paroxysms like it’s a celebrity C-section and not the rote, predictable turnover of a white, paternalistic, historically destructive power structure. SO NO, YOU COULD SAY I’M NOT THAT OBJECTIVELY JAZZED ABOUT THE POPE.
However.
Pope Francis, it seems, is turning out to be a fucking boss, comparatively. In a development that should probably be distressing to anyone with even a shred of perspective, New Pope is kind of one of our most consistently progressive world leaders at this point (suck it, Classic Pope!). I mean, he’s still the Pope and the Catholic Church is still a problem—he’s not clacking away at his social justice Tumblr or anything—but he’s at least using his Popiness to do some relatively not-horrible shit. And that is, as they say, something.
New Pope’s latest amazing headline? POPE FRANCIS SAYS WE SHOULD TAKE ALL CORRUPT POLITICIANS, TIE THEM TO A STONE, AND THROW THEM INTO THE SEA.
Yeah, okay bro, let’s do that. We can call it the “OKEY DOKEY DOCTRINE.”
So that got me wondering. What’s next for this kewl dood Pope? What other magical headlines do we have in store? I gazed into my crystal ball (lint-covered Koosh I found under my desk) and here’s what the spirits foretold:
2/3/14: Pope Francis Vows to Excommunicate All Buzzkills and Mellow-Harshers
7/9/14: Pope Francis Rescues Cory Booker from House Fire
1/2/15: Pope Francis Decrees that the Holy Spirit Can Recover All Your Data
3/9/16: Pope Francis Liberates all Sea World Killer Whales, Free Willy-Style
4/11/17: Pope Francis Thinks You Can Totally Pull Off Bang Braid
11/19/21: Pope Francis: Donald Trump ‘Got Lost’ During Tour of Vatican Vault, Shrugs
8/29/24: Pope Francis Destroys AIDS by Shredding Too Hard on the Saxophone
4/17/25: Pope Francis Totally Gets Why You Distrust and Resent the Catholic Church, but Don’t Worry—He’s Got This
Don’t let us down, Cool Pope.
Image via Getty.