Jezebel’s Guide to All of Trump’s Fake Awards
On Wednesday night, House Speaker Mike Johnson awarded (?) Trump with (cue fanfare) the first annual America First Award! And we realized we needed to start cataloging all his fake accolades.
Photo: Getty Images Politics
I remember a time, long, long ago, when conservatives railed against liberal snowflakes wanting to give their kids participation trophies, but now that they’re in too deep with an oversized toddler, the messaging has changed.
Wednesday night, Republicans gathered in Washington, D.C., for the National Republican Congressional Committee’s annual fundraising dinner, during which House Speaker Mike Johnson awarded Trump with (cue fanfare)…the first annual America First Award! Because it had been too long since Trump received a fake award.
“We are going to do something we have never done before,” said Johnson, who monitors his porn intake with his son. “We are going to honor him with a new award that we will present annually from this point forward. But he is the suitable and fitting recipient of the first-ever America First Award.” Ah, yes, because never before has Trump received sycophantic flattery from his staff.
In his acceptance speech, if you can call it that, Trump rambled about Iran, fraudulent mail-in ballots, and his bitterness for Democrats, “If you go back to Obama, he was a great divider. He divided this nation,” Trump said. “He was a lousy president. The worst president in history was Biden. But Obama was a terrible president.” OK, Grandpa.
Over the summer, the president was openly campaigning (or demanding) to win the Nobel Peace Prize for all those global conflicts he “solved.” And, little did we know that by denying him the prize, we were setting him off on an endless quest to “win” as many awards as possible, and thus force all the ass kissers out of the woodwork.
If you’re feeling behind on all the different awards we’ve seen Trump “win” since he took office, don’t be so hard on yourself. There’s a lot. And in honor of Trump winning another accolade, here is your comprehensive guide to all his well-deserved, very real, not at all bribe-y Awards.
The America First Award
“We can’t think of a better title for this award,” Johnson announced at the dinner. I’ll say! But I do have some ideas for you. How about the Spineless Ass-Kissing award, or Let’s Get You To Bed, Grandpa award? Or the America’s First Dictator Award.
Johnson described this eagle statuette as “appropriate for the new golden era in America.” Does he think this will help his chances of winning the second inaugural America First Award? Because I’m already putting money on Trump to win this accolade next year.
Machado’s Nobel Peace Prize
After the Trump administration removed the Venezuelan leader, Nicolás Maduro, from power in January, María Corina Machado, the opposition leader, traveled to Washington, D.C., to give Trump her Nobel Peace Prize, as “a personal symbol of gratitude on behalf of the Venezuelan people in recognition of President Trump’s principled and decisive action to secure a free Venezuela.”
She didn’t get the endorsement she was looking for, but she did receive a Trump-branded “swag bag.” Fair trade. My theory is that he didn’t like that the medal still had her name inscribed on it.
FIFA Peace Prize
In December, FIFA President Gianni Infantino awarded Trump the FIFA Peace Award, another new annual prize! (Isn’t it interesting how these new annual prizes keep materializing out of thin air?!) The trophy itself was a little too on-the-nose, featuring hands clawing up towards a bronze Earth—an apt reminder that we are indeed in hell.
The made-up award aims to “recognize exceptional actions for peace and unity.” Infantino praised Trump for his role in orchestrating the “ceasefire,” writing, “President Donald J. Trump definitely deserves the Nobel Peace Prize for his decisive actions.” So, he made Trump his own version. Again, totally not a bribe!
Congressional Gold Medal (nominated)
In October, House Republicans introduced a bill to honor Trump with a Congressional Gold Medal. The bill, currently “in committee,” would honor Trump “in recognition of his extraordinary peacemaking efforts throughout the world and in facilitating the Trump peace agreement to end the war in Gaza and bring lasting peace to the Middle East.”
Their efforts to introduce a bill to the floor purely for show are not only pathetic but also unlikely to amount to anything. Also, he probably forgot.
McDonald’s French Fry Certification Pin
>We started to see the first signs of Trump’s trophy fever on the 2024 campaign trail. Think back to when he was serving the drive-thru at McDonald’s, and all of us were naively thinking, Harris has it in the bag.
“I know that you perfected your skills behind the counter a day or so ago. And it was my honor to present President Trump with the French fries certification pin,” said North Carolina Rep. Chuck Edwards (R) at a rally following the stunt. I don’t know what this award is, but it would make sense at this point if the American presidency were sponsored by McDonald’s.
His Many Razzies*
Don’t think we would leave out Trump’s illustrious film career. He received his first Razzie for Worst Supporting Actor in Ghosts Can’t Do It, a 1989 romcom/fantasy about a widow attempting to bring her husband back to life. Trump played himself and was nominated in the category “Worst New Star.” Thirty-five years later, he was elected president of the United States. For the second time.
*The Razzies are technically real awards, but they are awarded to the worst films of every year. They are intended as a joke and, therefore, will be included in the Fake Award category, especially when you consider the fact that these are probably the only awards he has ever deserved.
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