27 Fully Made Up Things You Don't Know About The People Vs. O.J. Simpson Star David Schwimmer

This column was written by Bobby Finger and Madeleine Davies. It is entirely made up, but also probably 100% true.

1. My favorite ‘90s sitcom about a group of friends is Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place.
2. My second favorite is Frasier.
3. My third favorite is It’s Like, You Know…
4. I’ve never seen Zoe, Duncan, Jack and Jane, but if I had, you bet it would be my fourth.
5. I knew very little about Robert Kardashian’s children before filming The People V. O.J. Simpson!
6. I accepted the role of Robert Kardashian because it has always been a dream of mine to have a gray streak in my hair.
7. Watching the O.J. trial and seeing how painful it was for a family to get torn apart like that really made me take stock of what’s important—and finally invest in a good pair of gloves.
8. I remember exactly where I was when the O.J. verdict was delivered: in my kitchen, drinking a gallon of grape juice. It’s something I do every afternoon.
9. I’m a Chandler.
10. I’m actually as successful behind the camera as I am in front of it and have directed several films including Run, Fatboy, Run, several episodes of Little Britain USA, and Argo, which I directed under the name “Ben Affleck.”
11. My biggest fear is being alone in a room with Jennifer Aniston.
12. My second biggest fear is being in any room with Jennifer Aniston.
13. Fun Friends fact! It was supposed to be Monica and Ross who hooked up in that London hotel room, not Monica and Chandler, but the network thought it was “too edgy.” Their loss!
14. That said, Courteney [Cox] and I always agreed, regardless of how easily the writers caved, that there was something more going on between Ross and Mon.
15. I can’t swim!
16. But boy can I Schwim!
17. 😉
18. I coined the term “Must See TV.” It came to me one afternoon while drinking a gallon of grape juice.
19. I am not saying I’m sexually attracted to Kato Kaelin, but I am exclusively sexually attracted to people who look like Kato Kaelin.
20. I was born in Queens, New York, but have only ever returned to the borough through the eyes of Vinny Chase in Entourage, my fifth favorite show about a group of friends.
21. Sometimes, for a cheap thrill, I order a bottle of wine at a restaurant and tell the server it sucks when he asks me to taste it. Even if it’s great!
22. Big difference between me and the character Ross Geller: I don’t believe in dinosaurs.
23. When bored, I often sext with Lisa Kudrow. No images, just text. Sometimes we sext for hours at a time!
24. Paul Reiser is one of my best friends in the world, and Mad About You is my 34th favorite sitcom of the ’90s.
25. A woman I thought was Jennifer Aniston just walked into the East Village coffee shop where I’m writing this (not “Central Perk,” haha) and I screamed and threw my hot coffee at her. Oops! Turns out it wasn’t Jen.
26. Jennifer Aniston just sent me a text message that said, “I saw you throw your hot coffee on that woman who looks like me.” Oops! Now I’m terrified.
27. I have a beautiful wife and very young daughter and I love being a dad. Please don’t let Jen take—

Image via Getty.