Girl Dinners That Won’t Give You Explosive Diarrhea

Girl, it’s time to put DOWN the Sweetgreen. There’s a parasite out here wreaking havoc on the country’s collective plumbing, and it must be avoided at all costs. Girl dinner is in trouble. 

The recent Cyclosporiasis outbreak—a parasite-borne illness that causes diarrhea, nausea, and fatigue—has now sickened at least 1,600 people, hitting Michigan and the Midwest hardest, with confirmed cases spanning at least 31 states. Although investigators have spent over a month tracking cases, they’ve still struggled to pinpoint the exact source (thanks in part to RFK Jr. slashing the CDC!), but the leading suspects are lettuce and lettuce’s other leafy green friends. So I’m sorry, but no more Chipotle—unless you can stomach the “protein cup” of plain meat. The diarrhea is described as “explosive,” so we can’t take any risks. 

Unfortunately, thorough washing isn’t even enough to kill the parasite, so until investigators identify the exact source, I’m avoiding the lettuce aisle altogether. No salad chain slop bowl is safe. Not even Gigi Hadid’s spicy vodka pasta is safe (because basil).

If you’re struggling to find a replacement for your usual weeknight slop bowl or whichever Caesar salad variation you’ve discovered recently, look no further! Your dinner search ends here.

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A dozen hard-boiled eggs

  

Absolutely packed with protein.

A box of Kraft Mac and Cheese

Nothing in Kraft Mac and Cheese is of this Earth, so you’re in the clear.

Trader Joe’s “Always an Option” Orange Chicken

OK, you still need to have an iron stomach for this one, but this frozen aisle staple has earned her spot on the Girl Dinner Hall of Fame for a reason. Frequently recalled, but it’s usually always an option! 

Cheese and crackers (NO grapes)

Don’t underestimate how creative you can get with cheese and crackers. You can do a lot. Add some pickles too. But sadly, grapes are off the table. I’m not taking any chances.

A Baconator combo

The Baconator has been marked SAFE from Cyclosporiasis, as it does not contain lettuce or any other discernible nutritional value. But we still have to watch out for screwworm! 

A colorful plate of grilled summer veggies

According to scientists, the parasite will die at temperatures over 158 degrees Fahrenheit, so cooking veggies is still an option. Torch ’em. However, it’s less fun than rotting on your couch with a Baconator. 

Four to ten tequila espresso martinis 

It’s sweet. It’s strong. And the tequila combined with espresso will make you so ill that you won’t even want to order another $22 appetizer.

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I can’t promise you won’t still be hungry, but at least your insides will be normal.