Around 8:30 tonight, a group of concerned white senior citizens will alight delicately on an overlarge stage in Las Vegas and make a case for why they should be allowed to roost in the White House. The following is a field guide to help the amateur naturalist politics-watcher identify the non-Hillary Clintons you might spy in the underbrush.
Please note that none of the following are currently in season and hunting will be strictly forbidden.
Habitat: Immature Sanderses could once be spotted on the streets of Brooklyn; the mature Sanders can be found roosting in the forests or whatever they have up there of Vermont.
Identifying Marks: Crested white plumage, perpetually pointing phalanges.
Mating Call:
Tracks: The delicate imprint of a bagel dipped in maple syrup, tracked across the undergrowth.
Prime Sighting Seasons: Visible year-round since 1981.
Anderson Cooper: Magnificent white crest, piercing blue facial markings, feathers significantly less rumpled and better-fitting than anyone else you’re likely to spot tonight.
Concerned mom who begins question with “As a mom,” engaged young immigrant just trying to stay in the country and finish her education, white man who doesn’t have a question, per se, but more a series of statements: Sure to be spotted in any debate environment.
Microphone: The bulbous object your wildlife will be clustered around, hooting desperately for airtime.
