A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Make Your Own Pathetic Little Compost Bin, You Freak
Are you in need of a hobby that takes a lot of work and yields little to no results? Do you like virtue signaling and weird smells? Look no further!
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Welcome back to Saturday Night Social.
Are you in need of a hobby that takes a lot of work and yields little to no results? Want a new way to prove to yourself that you’re not a complete waste of space? Do you like virtue signaling and weird smells? Well, look no further!
Allow me to introduce you to the pathetic art of apartment composting. Just follow these easy steps, and you, too, will see results in about 20-30 years.
Step 1: An idea.
One day, you wake up in a hungover stupor and scroll on your phone for two hours before becoming so disgusted with yourself and your lack of connection with Mother Nature that you have to get up and go for a walk. On your nature walk, you watch an Instagram reel about how the trash island floating in the Pacific is now twice the size of Texas. You start to freak out about the insurmountable damage your species has inflicted on the planet.
It’s time to get your shit together. So you start telling everyone I’m gonna be more sustainable in 2026. You know that thing you do? When you tell everyone you’re going to do something before never actually doing it?
You decide your small act of sustainability will be to create a compost bin for your apartment so that you can save a minuscule amount of trash from heading to a landfill, and make some nutrient-dense plant food for your pathetic array of apartment plants, half of which are dying. This realization does not make you immediately rush to water them.
But even small acts of sustainability can make a difference, right? Wrong!!!! You fool! You’ll never live this down.
Step 2: The receptacle.
You’re doing this? You’re actually doing this? OK, fine, but I warned you. The next step is to pick a receptacle for your compost. Keep in mind that you have limited space in your apartment, so it should be big enough to be an eyesore but not so big that it generates enough compost to be worth it. It also can’t be anything a cat would want to nap on. That old storage container collecting dust under your bed will do.
Step 3: Aeration.
The compost needs oxygen, fuck face. Drill holes in the receptacle to ensure proper aeration of the garbage.
But you don’t have a drill because you’re just a little girl. Typical. So now you have to Instacart a little pink drill from Home Depot, which in the process creates enough carbon emissions to cancel out any sustainable effort you were attempting in the first place. Great job, there goes another 2o bucks! Now drill the holes.
Step 4: The Browns.
Buckle up, nerd, because we’re about to talk science. For decomposition to occur, we need oxygen, nitrogen, and carbon. The oxygen comes from the air, but you will be responsible for the carbon and nitrogen. Can you handle that?
Your carbon-rich materials include crap like dried leaves, sticks, and cardboard. Paper bags and toilet paper rolls work too. This is what the compost community calls “the browns.” Gross.
Take a walk around your neighborhood and collect twigs and brush like a lunatic.
Step 5: The Greens.
The nitrogen, aka organic waste, aka “the greens,” is where our old rotting garbage comes in. Think coffee grounds, banana peels, or the sad bag of spinach you thought you were going to make into a salad before you inevitably DoorDash’d Wendy’s.
Q: Is it OK if the coffee grounds are cinnamon-spiced?
A: I don’t fucking know!
Q: Can I compost some old green beans even if I cooked them in butter?
A: Yeah, why not! Let’s add some rotting dairy to this party since nothing fucking matters anymore anyway.
Step 6: Assembly time!
Alternate layers of greens and browns in the bucket, keeping the ratio at 2:1, browns to greens. Or was it greens to browns? Fuck. OK, you’re already too deep into this, so you’re just going to have to start throwing shit in the bucket.
Cover the earth lasagna with a generous helping of water to get everything damp.
Step 7: Wait.
Nothing happened.
Step 8: Wait more.
Still, nothing is happening. Am I supposed to shake it?
Step 9: Watch a TikTok about how compost can spontaneously catch fire???? and now you’re anxious about starting a fire in your apartment complex??? and what if the fire happens when I’m at work and no one rescues my cat????
Step 10: Add a shit ton of water, I guess?
So that it doesn’t catch on fire?
Step 10: Take a Zoloft.
Step 489: Forgot why you were even doing this.
Something about plants?
Step ?????: Wait more.
Final Step: Give yourself a pat on the back!
You now have a steaming bucket of garbage on your balcony, and your friends can always smell it whenever they come over! And your roommate definitely isn’t pissed about it at all!
Great job, nerd. Maybe next time, avoid scrolling on your phone for hours after opening up your eyes, and we wouldn’t be in this mess.
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