On Friday night, Alec Baldwin posted an editorial on The Huffington Post offering Charlie Sheen unsolicited advice on how to come back from his epic meltdown. Since Alec was caught up in a scandal a few years ago after a voicemail surfaced of him calling his daughter a “rude, thoughtless little pig,” it makes sense that he would reach out to Charlie. However, his tips make it sound like Charlie made a minor gaffe on a late night TV, rather than embarking on a manic, weeks-long tirade that raises serious questions about his mental health.
Alec starts out with a long anecdote which explains why he left the role of Jack Ryan after The Hunt For Red October. Basically, he claims studio executives pushed him out for another actor who would make them more money (Harrison Ford isn’t mentioned by name). Obviously, things turned out okay for Alec, and he says the incident taught him some invaluable lessons on show business, which he’d like to share with Charlie:
You can’t win. Really. You can’t. When executives at studios and networks move up to the highest ranks, they are given a book. The book is called How to Handle Actors. And one principle held dear in that book is that no actor is greater than the show itself when the show is a hit. And, in that regard, they are often right. Add to that the fact that the actor who is torturing their diseased egos is a drug-addled, porn star-squiring, near-Joycean Internet ranter, and they really want you to go.
Granted, it didn’t get real until you insulted them. And your suit may have real grounds.
But you know what you should do? Take a nap. Get a shower. Call Chuck. Go on Letterman and make an apology. Write a huge check to the B’Nai Brith. And then beg for your job back. Your fans demand it. You will never win because when you are as big a douchebag as some of these guys are, they have no choice but to snuff you. (Do you secretly want to get snuffed? So you can go back and make movies?)
Sober up, Charlie. And get back on TV, if it’s not too late. This is America. You want to really piss off Chuck and Warner Brothers and CBS? Beg for America’s forgiveness. They will give it to you. And then go back. You are a great television star. And you’ve got the gig. As I learned from closely observing Tony Bennett so I could impersonate him on SNL, this is supposed to be fun.
P.S…. buy Cryer a really nice car.
Alec says he regrets not sharing this insight with Conan O’Brien, and it may make sense for an actor dealing with a contract dispute. But, the solutions Alec suggests make it sound like he’s been watching a totally different Charlie than the man we’ve all seen ramble incoherently in dozens of interviews and declare he’s cured his well-documented addiction with his mind.