Chris Martin has been throwing a lot of shade GOOP’s way since he and the mistress of the million dollar colon cleanse have gone their separate ways. First he let his kids go hog-wild at a fast food restaurant (many fries were lost that day) and now he’s ended his vegetarian diet, telling a radio show that he’ll eat meat, but only meat he thinks he’d be able to hunt himself.
It’s nice to know that Chris Martin wouldn’t go out and murder an innocent giraffe, but this idea of “I’ll only eat what I could conceivably kill” is also kind of lazy. Sorta? Pretty much completely? I’m not down with hunting in the first place —I’m like Kathleen from America’s Next Top Model. I believe you should only use fur that’s like been found in the jungle or woods from like animals that have like killed each other? — but to be all “I’d only eat something I think I could kill” is just the stupidest thing I have heard today. First of all, doing the actual killing is completely different from navel-gazing about what you could kill and second, what’s to stop Chris Martin from thinking he could kill an elephant? Martin could conceivably kill a human, does that mean he’s cool with cannibalism? (Sometimes when I can’t sleep (always) I think about what kind of large thing I could kill in self defense and I am pretty sure I could take a mastodon, but I’m not going to start eating those!) (Because I’m cool like that, not because they’re extinct.)
Perhaps Chris Martin will use his newfound philosophy to impress future dates. “Yeah, I’m going to have the veal, but only because I think I could confidently slaughter a baby animal with my own two hands. Not to make you think I’m a badass or anything, but I like to think that I could seduce forest creatures and water fowl I murder into a hypnotic sleep with the dulcet tones of “Viva La Vida” and then snap their necks while they’re out. But hey, I’m just a regular guy with big dreams. I put my pants on one leg at a time, just like everyone else.” And then he will lean back in his chair and put his hands behind his head and say “Yeah, that fucking baby cow never stood a chance.”
Update: I was mistaken when I suggested that GOOP is a vegetarian. While I have been corrected on this fact (she loves some wild Salmon), I stand by my original statement that shade is being thrown her way by Martin in general.
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