Britain Buys Up Baking Supplies as Bake Off Returns 

The Telegraph reports that as the premiere grows nearer on Channel 4:

Sales of baking tools such as spoons and spatulas are up 50pc and 42pc, respectively, over the past week, while Paul Hollywood cookie cutters are up 50pc, and sales of cookbooks and cake stands have risen 18pc, the retailer said.

I am very sorry to report that Paul Hollywood cookie cutters are not made in the shape of Paul Hollywood’s face. Anyway, continuing:

Sales of certain cupcakes kits are up 225pc, perhaps unsurprisingly given the first episode of Bake Off is, as always, cake week. Cupcake toppers are up 19pc week on week.

Bake Off, which attracted more than 14 million viewers for its final episode last year, has inspired thousands of British consumers to jump on the baking bandwagon. In fact, between 2009 and 2014, annual baking sales rose from £523m to £1.7bn, according to figures from Mintel, largely because of the popularity of cooking shows.

“Bake Off bedlam is at fever pitch ahead of the show’s return next Tuesday, and we’re already noticing that our customers are kitting out their kitchens in preparation,” said the cookshop buyer for British department store John Lewis.

Is it cooking shows? Or is it that the entire world is melting down thanks to the work of a trans-Atlantic brigade of ridiculous fucking clowns and five minutes of news is enough to make you want to stuff shortbread into your mouth until you pass out?