Cosmopolitan's Most Batshit Insane Food-Related Sex Tips

By C.A. Pinkham | March 4, 2014 | 3:45pm

In Depth

Oh, Cosmopolitan. What are we going to do with you? Apart from laughing until we nearly asphyxiate, because we’re already doing that.

You really are a never-ending unintentional comedy factory, aren’t you? Apart from the times when you suddenly and inexplicably become a repository for cosmic horror (such as that time you literally told your readers to give a guy an Indian rug burn on his junk), you’re pretty reliably hilarious. Also, you seem to have a recurring obsession with combining food and sex, which sounds like a horrifying idea to me, but what do I know? I don’t think first-degree burns on my groinal region are sexy. Clearly I’m too vanilla.

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These quotes have been culled from a variety of different Cosmo articles. A few of them have already been mocked before on Jezebel, but why waste a golden humor opportunity if you can get two different jokes out of it?

“Warheads
Blindfold your guy or send him into another room. Suck on the sour candy for a few seconds before running it over five unexpected hot spots on your body—like behind your knees, on your left nipple, near your collarbone. Then he has to use his sense of taste to find those areas. If he gets all five right, pass him a Warhead and ask him to challenge you.”

Yeah, ’cause if there’s anything that gets me in the mood, it’s getting unexpectedly punched in the taste buds by a foodstuff that thinks raw lemons are for sissies. Also, the thought of the dust from this particular candy being anywhere close to any orifice on the human body other than one’s mouth makes me PROFOUNDLY uneasy. No matter how infinite the multiverse may be, I can’t picture a timeline where the re-telling of this story doesn’t somehow feature the phrase, “I didn’t really start worrying until I saw the looks on the paramedics’ faces.”

“Sour Belts
While you’re making out, use the belts to playfully whip each other’s butts.”

Try not to laugh at the fact that you’re basically spanking each other with fucking fruit roll-ups. Also, DO NOT ATTEMPT THIS WHILE CAMPING, as it is likely that your sugar-coated asses will attract small woodland creatures, and nobody, not even Cosmo editors, finds it sexy to get bitten on the ass in mid-coitus by a raccoon.

“Hot Tamales Candy Spray
Use the spray version of this red-hot cinnamon candy to graffiti each other’s bodies. See which one of you can come up with the naughtiest image or dirtiest phrase. And yeah, you should take turns licking it off.”

And if you’ve got a cut anywhere on your body, don’t worry about it! Emergency Room visits are HOT HOT HOT! OK, I have to be honest, I’m having trouble processing the idea that someone thought “Hot Tamales + Spray Can = Profit.” How many drugs does one need to be on before that becomes a sound business model, rather than a window to a world of infinite sadness?

“Q: My guy and I talked about using food to spice up our sex life. Is it okay to do that, and if so, what kinds of food should we use?
A: You can pretty much experiment with whatever edibles suit your tastes, though stay away from things like chili peppers or anything that’s too hot or spicy.”

EXCEPT FOR FUCKING HOT TAMALE SPRAY, APPARENTLY. THAT’S TOTALLY COOL.

“Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”

Now you’re just fucking with us, Cosmo. Which Editor bet that we wouldn’t notice the patent absurdity of this idea? Because that Editor lost, and owes humanity an apology.

“While D. and I got ready for bed, I informed him very matter-of-factly, ‘I’m going to slip a doughnut around your penis and eat it off.'”

Picture the image of a donut-encased ding-a-ling, then picture someone saying this in the dirtiest voice possible. If you’re not laughing, your humor calibration software is broken. Also, you are a robot who possesses humor calibration software.

“Chew a small piece of mango…then take him in your mouth. You can use whatever fruit you have, just don’t try anything too acidic, as it can burn him.”

I’m legitimately wondering at this point if Cosmo‘s sex tips were written by aliens who have seen a human body, but have absolutely no functional understanding of how one actually works. Because if they’re not aliens, I’m forced to confront the fact that at some point during the publishing process, multiple paid, professional editors looked at it and nobody thought it was a terrible idea, and I don’t want to live in a universe where that’s a thing that happened.

“Feed each other ice cream [in the dark]. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”

Nothing says “sexy” like a giant, swampy mess of melted dairy all over the sheets and the two of you. I’m sure that after the first 15 minutes, melted, sweat-flavored chocolate ice cream tastes absolutely delicious. They should bottle that and sell it in stores.

“Give him a beer facial – the combination of the egg white and the yeast in the hops hydrates and improves skin elasticity… but you can just tell him that your lips can’t resist his delicious, beer-flavored face.”

What…I don’t even…what about this is sexy?! This is literally the diametric opposite of sexy. This is where sexy goes to die, to be surrounded by the gargantuan bones of other sexy, calcified tusks pointing forlornly towards the sky in a cruel mockery of — wait, I’m thinking of elephants. Dammit, Cosmo, you got me confused between “sexy” and “elephants” again! How do you always manage to do that?!

“Keep a spray bottle filled with ice water next to the bed, and give each other a strategic spritz to extend the encounter… Aim for the nerve-packed, thin-skinned areas on each other’s body, such as the nipples.”

I mean, dogs totally love it when you spray them with cold water in mid-hump, right? That’s how reality works.

“Wear a cinnamony lotion or perfume. The smell of cinnamon buns increases men’s blood flow ‘down there.'”

I know the first thing I always think when I smell cinnamon buns is “damn, I’d really love to stick my penis in that delicious iced pastry.” Then again, I should probably be institutionalized.

Seriously, Cosmo, are we just playing sex/food Mad Libs at this point? Here, let me try:

“Have your man stick a baby carrot up his left nostril — just the left nostril, it activates the sexgasm receptors — and get him to recite the Pledge of Allegiance backwards. He’ll come so hard you’ll need to re-spackle the walls!”

“It’s a scientific fact that 72.3% of women are turned on by the Cookie Monster. Next time you’re going down on her, start randomly shouting ‘OM NOM NOM NOM NOM V IS FOR VAJAYJAY IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME’ and watch how she goes wild!”

“Surprise your boyfriend by pelting him in the face with apricots as he sits in bed reading Dostoyevsky. Studies show that most men find unexpected assaults with projectile fruit to be a huge turn-on — but only on a Tuesday in March when a Lemur within 13.2 miles has recently eaten a harmonica.”

I’ll expect my check in the mail soon, Cosmopolitan.