Crap Email From A Dude: The Philanderer's Wisdom


Some things are always ill-advised. Singing Björk at karaoke. Invading Russia with winter approaching. Sometimes it’s like you can hear a voice yelling “Don’t!” Dating a married man isn’t necessarily and absolutely and always on this list — people and their weird situations, you know — but as this Crap Email evidences, when it goes wrong it goes SO WRONG.

Around the holidays, Jane* had an affair with a married coworker, Jacques. It lasted two weeks before she broke it off. He didn’t work in her division, so the separation was mercifully easy. They pledged to remain “friends.”

Jane began seeing someone else, Sam. Jane tactfully let Jacques know about her new relationship, but he “insisted our friendship was was valuable to him, and we would have occasional coffee or run together.”

And so Jane and Jacques didn’t cut the cord, even though he was totally meh and weird. Why do we do these ill-advised things? Human beings are only rarely the best judges of our own best interests. Jane, perhaps belatedly recovering her good sense, started blowing Jacques off. After one such refusal to hang out, he texted her to “end” things — remember, they had been broken up for months now, and he was married. Then she received what can only be described as Crap Life Advice From A Dude:

As a person who gives excellent advice and always has to have the last word. Here are my recommendations, comments and suggestions as a motivational tool for you to succeed in life.
Just because you lack confidence don’t think I do too. Acquire some socialization skills. You will never have a meaningful relationship until you do.
Visit bars infrequently. They attract the wrong kind of person. You start drinking sometimes before noon and know every bartender in town. Is this the kind of lifestyle you want to have? Not me. Don’t need it.
Don’t be so self-centered. Selfish people have no friends.
Let Sam go. He deserves better. When you realize someone cares for you like Sam you will intentionally hurt them. Why? Because deep down you are miserable.
Remember, depressed people will hang out with depressed people. NOT ME ANYMORE!
Your depression is keeping you from working out consistently.
Earn your master’s degree for yourself not for anyone else.
Watch your temper. When you lash out at people you say hurtful things. Had I talked with [a friend] sooner I would have ended this sooner.
Your boundaries are a reflection of your lack of socialization skills therefore erected to keep everyone away.
Educate yourself on current events.
This should serve as a helpful tool. It is constructive criticism.
Also when you are having a bad work day do not take it out on someone. What a self centered person you are.
Friends are there when you need them. Sometimes boundaries have to be broken but, they will be there.
Unfortunately, my memories of you are now filled with bitterness and regret.
I feared one day this would happen. Well for once we can agree on something. We will never be there for one another!

From this we can all learn: One problem with dating older men is that sometimes they have old-man attitudes. Other times, they are just complete pompous jerks who don’t appreciate the value of cultivating a friendly bartender or two over the years. And married.

*All names have been changed.

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