The first round of our quest to find the most awful Christmas song has concluded, and deck my halls with soundproof earmuffs, were there ever some upsets! Now, your votes are more important than ever as we pit the winners of the first round against each other in a battle for their crappy survival. Onto round two!
Click above to enlarge, or go here for a printable version of the original bracket.
Round one concluded yesterday with “Wonderful Christmas Time,” “Merry Christmas, Darling,” “Hark! The Herald Angels Sing” and “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” prevailing over their deemed less crappy competitors.
We’ve got some work ahead of us, though, and competition is getting more and more fierce. Lay it on us, round 2.
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” vs. “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”
And we immediately dive into the deep end. One song is either about a kid watching his mom cheat on his dad with actual Santa Claus, or about a kid watching his dad and mom have a maritally sanctioned makeout sesh while his father is dressed up as Santa Claus, I don’t know, for fun. Or maybe his mom’s dating a dude who dresses up like Santa Claus. Any possible explanation for this scenario is terrible, and that kid probably grew up to be someone who starts forest fires.
In the opposite corner, a child clearly having difficulty speaking English is forced to sing a song about not being able to talk correctly in front of an audience of delighted octogenarians. This child, too, will be traumatized.
“Toyland” vs. “Jingle Bell Rock”
The former competitor sounds like an opium laced accompaniment to a reading of an unpublished Lewis Carroll short story during which the toys come alive and kill a giant singing lobster as part of their merry Easter celebration. The second is the sort of thing rocks about as much as a kidney stone.
“The Christmas Shoes” vs. “Silent Night”
The fact that someone somewhere was paid money that could be exchanged for goods and services to write and perform “The Christmas Shoes” is a troublesome notion indeed. This song marks the first time that many people were able to successfully avoid feeling bad for a fictional character with cancer. And the video? Why haven’t Andy Samberg and company made a send-up of this yet?
In the words of Dodai Stewart, the most troubling part of “Silent Night,” apart from the fact that it sounds like a murder anthem is the drawing out of the word “virgin” into a three note descent. As a point of comparison, the word “virgin” takes as long to sing as “mother and child,” as though the fact that Mary’s still got her holy hymen is somehow more important and miraculous than the fact that she and Jesus are around.
One song makes you want to kill yourself, one song makes you want to kill other people in a Christmas Eve rampage. Which is worse?
“Winter Wonderland” vs. “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
Most midwesterners and eastern seaboarders understand that winter is not a magical time of wonderful temperatureless Muppet snow sparkling gloriously beneath comfortable temperatures; it’s a time of extreme discomfort and inconvenience. There’s no such thing as a Winter Wonderland, ass.
But it’s up against some stiff competition in “Do They Know it’s Christmas?” aka Cultural Imperialism Disguised As Concern. Celebrities love to bask in their own importance, and no song celebrates both its own importance and irritating melodies like this one. This song sounds like how it must feel to be one of Bono’s brain cells.
Godspeed on your journey to the center of holiday madness.