Every Red Carpet Look From the 2016 Met Gala

You know, I like Grimes’s look because it’s possibly the most Grimes thing she’s worn to a Met Gala. It’s very calm, relaxed, “I’m competing in Tour de France and then going to a Manchester rave in ‘93.” And then it’s like… Michelle Williams, you okay? It’s very, “my publicist forced me to be here so I just grabbed some shit from the back of my closet.” Uma Thurman’s going all out, though, on some “I AM WEARING A GOWN” shit. I hope that’s a Swarovski lizard on her shoulder.

Amber Valletta’s feathered wishbone gig embodies what this evening is about, which is more than I can say for poor Elle Fanning, usually so cute but tonight underperforming. But also she’s competing with fucking LARA STONE who is fully giving us IVANA REALNESS, which is such a funny and whimsical thing to do. Selena Gomez, also in Louis Vuitton, is underwhelming, and also I doubt LV knew about this but, unfortunately, it came to mind anyway.

Rita Ora has had a year; here she is with Vera Wang in custom Vera Wang, fluffed out like a silvery bird. Let Rita live!

Oops, never mind, Zoe Saldana wants this more. These two are working overtime in feather trains, but suing the Roc is nothing compared to Nina backlash. I may love this gown nonetheless.

It’s the COSTUME INSTITUTE, okay? So we’ve got Eliza Hamilton (Ellie Bamber), Alexander Hamilton (Sarah Jessica Parker), and little-known founding father Zorro (will.i.am). I love a masquerade!

It’s really cool of Emily Ratajkowski to have had a 3D leg printed in the spirit of the theme! Jennifer Hudson’s perfect whir of a gown is actually making me dizzy, which I think is where the technology comes in, while Jessica Hart’s intricate lace two-piece looks laser-cut. Kate Bosworth looks like an approximation of an 18th century painting, or some duchess on British money or some shit.

Nas looks like the president in that tuxedo, while Nick Jonas looks like he’s the best man in his college frat leader’s first-and-a-half wedding. Alexander Skarsgard is fine. Trevor Noah is natty. Suits are often boring unless you can see them up close. I wonder what scents these males are wearing.

Aja Naomi King looks so lovely in that perfect shade of marmalade (LEMONADE? GIRL!). Kate Mara totally wore plastic chainmaille as a certain yours truly predicted; forget what I was just saying about suits because here is the ever-impeccably dressed Rami Malek, my husband, stunting on them in royal blue like the king he is. Kate Upton’s a little conservative, but the shimmer is stunning.

FINALLY some more chainmaille and crochet! These are at least getting closer to the looks I wanted from tonight, spiderwebby numbers that reflect new ways of crafting textiles. Alessandra Ambrosio and especially Ciara (!!!!) are my favorites, but then we have Kendall and Kylie who I must reluctantly admit are looking sharp, although kween lipkit is not really venturing from her Balmain barometer of chandelier estilo.

Nicole Kidman, with husband Keith Urban, is absolutely STUNNING in this McQueen space gown, a thousand points of light to illuminate Esmerelda Jenner’s slightly uncomfortable-looking nightclub witch steez. I love Willow Smith and Jaden Smith so much, and their personalities come through in their style perfectly; Willow’s in Chanel pants like whatever, and all I want in life is to conduct a photo shoot wherein Willow and Erykah Badu style each other.

Cindy Crawford in metallic snakeskin by ya boy Olivier Rousteing. Karlie Kloss grabbing the supermodel baton and fully running with it, wearing cuts that no normal human would ever dare. God bless Kerry Washington’s homage to Prince and Vanity and Appollonia and being a boss. When I did a thing on Lily Rose Depp y’all got mad at me for promoting teens but now that she’s out here slaying don’t forget who put you on, my dogs.

Hannah Davis and Derek Jeter are looking very elegant/White House. Demi Lovato is wearing Moschino and my emotional trajectory was A) “Que?” B) Oh right, she’s giving us a strong novela look C) I don’t know dude. Diane von Furstenberg is making a rare misstep with the butterflies, or maybe she just should have removed one or two? I appreciate the concept and spirit, though.

Amber Heard, doing her Lana Turner thing, while Gaga goes back to her OG glam-trash, in which she played in Lower East Side bars that smell like a cigarette and worshiped at the altar of Ziggy Stardust. RIP. Steinfeld, who I’m going to refer to only by her last name from now on, looks like a birthstone of an emerald and it suits her. Karolina Kurkova is wearing a Marchesa x IBM collabo with LED lights embedded within, which is to say it’s my muthafuckin #RAVEGOAL.

The Weekend and his main gal Bella Hadid, who looks like she’s wearing a wookie train, which I appreciate. I have to say, I did not foresee Kate Hudson wearing something so cutting edge but I appreciate that she did—this seems like van Herpen, or maybe it’s just some really ill origami artist she wanted to give a little shine. Misty Copeland is lovely as ever in a luxurious satin that brings to mind the varnished look of a brand new ballet slipper. (That was corny, I know.)

I gotta hand it to Allison Williams, this is the least conservative thing I think she’s ever worn in her entire life, which is not to say it’s not conservative, but it’s marching forward. Emma Watson’s tuxedo gown is okay? It’s not conveying anything to me at this moment, moodwise. Freida Pinto is wearing Tory Burch and I love it despite that fact; it’s very Christian vestment/Daenerys/Madonna.

Look at how cute Emily Blunt and Olivia Wilde are being baby-bumpy together! Katie Holmes is giving me free-spirit, ‘70s post-flower child, and she looks hearteningly relaxed. Lauren Santo Domingo’s metallic fringe shift dress is, again, the kind of look I want to see on this carpet, though working at Vogue probably helps your thematic fealty.

Even if you hate Chloe Sevigny’s personal style, you gotta hand it to her for always wearing exactly what the hell she wants. She’s wearing the same lace gloves as Kerry Washington, though, so I must presume this Salem bitch trial look is also Marc Jacobs. Brie Larson looks incredibly serious in this shot, but her lovely gown (Dior? Proenza.) is fun and elegant. Nicki Minaj is wearing custom Moschino by Jeremy Scott and IDGI. Amy Schumer is wearing, I think, Alexander Wang, and IDGI. Why do powerful women continuously let these dudes do them dirty like this?

Jessica Chastain! I bet she plays tennis, huh. So was there a combat boots mandate tonight? No mind, Jennifer Connolly is totally like, “Yeah, I’m here at the Met Gala, it’s cool, do you remember the ‘90s, I’m fully unbothered.” She could take it or leave it and her lack of thirst is appreciated. WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THIS STEAMPUNK HELL KATY PERRY HATH WROUGHT. MA. MA!!!! It’s like Melisandre’s sister took too much adderall in crafts class. Thank god we also have Naomi Campbell, the one true queen, the old god and the new.

I CAN’T BREATHE. ACTUALLY MAYBE NEITHER CAN SHE BECAUSE SHE’S WEARING BEADED LATEX. BEYONCE DID THAT, which is to say she invoked futurism without reverting to a cliche idea of silver and robotics. You know how hard it likely is to craft gathered puff sleeves out of latex? I bet they had to pour this on her. And Solange!!! Same with Solange and futurism, out here in a lemonade-yellow cowlick ruffle and straight up lucite mules and stirrup pants, giving us a 2016 version of Diana Ross’s most innovative Mahogany jams. I had to put Ivanka in here just because it wouldn’t be fair to anyone else.

I’m so glad to see that everyone’s influenced by the arts! Game of Thrones (Emma Stone), Metropolis (Naomi Watts), Grey Gardens (Ashley & Mary Kate Olsen), Valley of the Dolls??? (Zoey Deutch).

Jourdan Dunn’s lightly grey wash in her hair is a nice, subtle beauty look, which is more than I can say for Kanye West’s blue contacts, but then this evening is about technology and technology indeed allowed us to have contacts. The most revelatory thing about Kim Kardashian’s ensemble, all by Balmain if you must know, is that there’s some space in the style continuum for the t-strap pump to return. And FKA twigs went very subtle and elegant Dune/Mad Max this year, while her fiancé Rob Pattinson looks a little like a footballer (UK version). I can dig it.

Emma Roberts is doing… a thing. Kristen Stewart is wearing full Chanel and no, I’m not going to comment on the R-Patz/K-Stew same event appearance, save it for the ‘bloids in the AM. Lily Aldridge is being very supermodelly but does look like a cyborg which is impressive, while Saoirse Ronan went Great Gatsby with some subtle ostrich feathers under her hem.

Anna Kendrick is lovely but she can do better than that; Miranda Kerr’s two-piece with the little contrasting flounce is so cute, very ‘90s club, while Slay Queen Zendaya is giving us some serious Studio 54 champion/belle of the afterparty and I’m here for it. Zoe Kravitz’s butterfly/bow lace look is very cute from the back!

I love Amandla Stenberg’s sleek suit and Napoleon stance; if she were to declare war on Ser Jared Leto, she would definitely win. Lorde is wearing a pretty phenomenal diaphanous tulle in very subtle contrasting pastels, while Lupita Nyong’o is essentially a sculpture, killing in her own diaphanous mint-green sequins.

Hieee! We’re boyfriend-girlfriend, beliedat! Zayn wore these arm cuffs to deflect the haters!

God, after a point you really just have to bring it. Alexa Chung, Mia Goth and Mia Wasikowska are fine. I fux with Haim’s matching ensembles because they look like Pagan maypoles who might conspire to set this whole fashion industry shit on fire if need be.

Irina Shayk, my dude, is that an American flag? Honestly, I wanna go to the Hamptons right now too. It’s not a Met Gala if Madonna doesn’t show her tits AND her ass, which is fine. Rachel McAdams is still high from when Obama called her out in his WHCD speech, she’s just like yeah dog I’ll wear the bronze, lemme fuck up some of that pre-release gothy Dior lipstick real quick from the shows. Hold my reporter’s notebook.

My pals, I’ve been updating this shit for three straight hours, I don’t even remember who Blake Lively is other than someone who’s trying really hard to nail a Grace Kelly and doing it at kinda the wrong event. I do remember Bradley Cooper (he’s that Lincoln car commercial guy, right?) and David O. Russell, who keeps casting J-Law as 45-year-old women. They both look fine, but waiting to get drunk. Rose Byrne is shiny and me baby now, shinyyyyy.

Liu Wen is wearing technology (IRIS? IS THAT YOU?) and Margot Robbie and Mindy Kaling are wearing a different kind of technology, Crest Whitestrips 3D.

WHOA, is that Agyness Deyn? The dropwaist is cute and I’m just going to assume the dress is in homage to Paisley Park, which is presumably where she’s been hiding these past years. Tom Hiddleston is definitely directing tonight’s Brian Eno orchestra, while Lea Seydoux went with a nice sequin zipper skirt. Gonna guess that Jenna Lyons, looking on discerningly, designed this. Sophie Okonedo, one of our best actors, deserves to be comfortable in this satin robe (a la France).

Bonjour, Dame Claire Danes, in a “fiber optic woven organza” by Zac Posen! It’s another Grace Kelly look but the adherence to the theme means we will rememmmmber youuuu. Jimmy Iovine and Liberty Ross are straight mafia styles but also appropriately ‘80s; Orlando Bloom seems like he’s campaigning for something with what looks like a badge on his tux, perhaps his fave emo band or his fave presidential candidate or his fave stock options or his fave himself.

Jamie Bochert’s scalloped lace is intricate and complicated; Riley Keough and Sienna Miller are doing the sequins thing. Like, how many people equate sequins with the future and why? There’s probably some academic essay in there that I’m too mentally overloaded to even fathom.

Okay so like “goth” is “in” but non-goth Jemima Kirke really kind of nails it with the hot pink/dead-red eyeshadow, and not really on purpose. Do we think Megyn Kelly was ever into goth? If she wasn’t before, she might be now amirite. Tabitha Simmons is a queen and for some reason I want to believe this look is dedicated to Prince. I bet he’d love it, and wear it.

Miles Teller and Keleigh Sperry (Dolce?). I don’t really have much to say about this steez other than I think I saw Miles Teller and Will Smith conversating at the White House Correspondents Dinner via C-Span and was like “Huh.” Could have been Will Smith and Joseph Gordon-Levitt, though. Maria Sharapova is kind of wowing me with the severity of the ensemble, and more people should take advantage of their ability to wear a single fucking earring. Sculptural! Meanwhile, all these QWEENS better bow down to an actual QUEEN, Rania of Jordan, who is not only a humanitarian and prolific tweeter but also actually seemed to blend manus x machina in the fabrication of her beautiful dress.

Lala Anthony (with this dude Carmelo) went pure firebird in this sculptural jawn, while the regal Danai Gurira proved that an almost-Elizabethan turtleneck doesn’t have to be stuffy at all. Wiz Khalifa is both one of the best-dressed men in the States and also the only person who never not looks fly in Gucci loafers with no socks (24-7). And in that lovely color wheel of a ruffled gown? Charlotte Casiraghi, who apparently is the granddaughter of Princess Grace (I had to look it up; I bet I’d already know it if I were Plum Sykes) and is showing these derivative jamóns you don’t have to be literal to be royalty.

Honestly, I think that Cynthia Erivo might be in the top three happiest people to be at this joint (HAS ANYONE ELSE SMILED?! EVER?!?!), so while her gown doesn’t immediately seem to adhere to the theme, none of us can really front. Michelle Monaghan looks like the resurgence of vinyl, which is cool but potentially she will fight with Thalía, who is wearing the new Compact Disc technology on her arm; pretty sure anything they come up with will be better than Batman v Superman. Speaking of superheroes (and serial killers), Zachary Quinto’s contrasting white tap shoes are cute as hell.

Okay, this has got to be it: I leave you with Dakota Johnson in paper stars, Florence Welch in fantasy iridescent lilacs, and Gucci’s Alessandro Michele hiding his visage beneath a haircloak and his spit-shined silver suit.

Thank you for joining us for the greatest evening you have ever known. Signing off, this has been your Robot best friend and typing fingers from Jezebel. Good night.