Fan-Casting the Odyssey But Only With the Real Housewives of Rhode Island

Happy Odyssey Day to all who celebrate/live within driving distance of a 70mm IMAX screen!

For the past few weeks, it’s been a pleasure to watch the stacked cast of the film slay every red carpet, photo call, and promo video, but unfortunately, Elon Musk’s X-cronies and other losers decided to add a bunch of noise and hate on the movie before it even came out, simply because of its diverse principal cast. (Stupid as hell, I know.)

But if it’ll finally make them shut up…fine. I’ll recast it. But I’m only using the fabulous and deeply nuanced ladies of The Real Housewives of Rhode Island because I think that might piss them off even more. Plus, Rhode Island isn’t too far from Ithaca. If you’re not hip to RHORI, you’re missing out on some of Andy Cohen’s finest work yet, but don’t worry—you’re only one season behind!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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So here’s Christopher Nolan’s The Odyssey if, instead of three hours of A-listers, it was 15 hours of boat rides, drunk yelling, cheating, and hair extensions. 

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Alicia as Athena

       

Two goddesses of wisdom. I love a goddess! 

Ashley as Telemachus

They both just want everyone to stop fighting.

Rulla as Penelope

Her house is in disarray, and her husband is nowhere to be found.

Rosie as Calypso

The beautiful sea nymph, tempting Odysseus and tempting us in with her adorkableness. Just don’t ask her about the square footage of her house. 

Kelsey as Agamemnon

Had to look up what Agamemnon does in the movie because I don’t know the source material like that, but I’m sure Kelsey doesn’t either.

Dolores as whatever character Jon Bernthal plays

They each have two minutes of screen time.

Jo Ellen as Antinous

Jo Ellen will play the antagonist of our story, for obvious reasons. I can just imagine her giving us an iconic reading of the line, “You’re pining for a daddy you didn’t even know, like some sniveling bastard.”

Liz as Odysseus

In the end, the Cannabis Queen finds her way home. She sold that damn boat, and she will NOT be venturing out to sea with the housewives anytime soon.