Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, Week 12: Kylie Doesn't Not Not Support This Game


This is the twelfth week of Jezebel’s first annual Fantasy Kardashian-Jenner League, a fantasy league about the Kardashians, the Jenners, and closely-related family members. The rules are here; playoffs are January 9, 2016.

Do not let the holiday distractions fool you: these teams are in-shape if not brolic, making major business moves and going all in on unlikely plays. Kimoji, anyone? With great risk comes great reward. Take it to the Peach Bowl. Still, the league found itself in bumpy territory on some occasions, with teams not playing quite to their potential (Team Nobody) or flagrant players being fouled to oblivion (Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink). We’re inching closer to the playoffs; this is the most important time to stay in fighting shape.

Team Bible

Kim Kardashian

Blog mentions: +43

App mentions: +16

Tabloids: +10 (Life & Style)

Kimoji App launch: +25

Caitlyn Jenner

Tabloids: +5 (Star)

Blog mentions: +4

Leah Jenner

Saint West

Blog mentions: +10

Total yardage: 113

Performance summary: Whoa, do you hear that?? It’s the raucous, melodic chant of three beautiful letters: MVP! MVP! MVP! The surprise launch of the Kimoji app gave Team Bible the push we needed to maintain leadership, as did Kim’s incessant tweeting about the app, with claims that it crashed the App Store. Do we need yet another Kim Kardashian app? No. Well, ask yourself again: Do we need yet another Kim Kardashian app? The answer is: Okay, fine. Outside of the app, Kim’s nagging baby weight continues to hold The Media’s attention: “Kim K. Secretly Plans Trip To Europe Fat Camp To Desperately Shed Baby Weight,” as Radar writes. Saint was finally spotted but covered up so we’re still waiting on that coveted first baby photo. And even in a week where she earned the title of Barbara Walter’s Most Fascinating Person of the Year, Caitlyn seemed a bit scared of the ball. That’s okay. She’ll be back. Leah is utterly useless and I wouldn’t even ask her to lift a finger.—Clover Hope

Team Bush & The Tush

Kendall Jenner

Blog mentions: +31

Cover of non-US Vogue: +50

Corey Gamble

Blog mentions: +6

North West

Blog mentions: +11

Instagram appearance: +1

Brandon Jenner

Blog mentions: +1 !!!!

Total Yardage: 100

Performance Summary: Annddddd we’re back! My attendance at an actual NFL game must have lit a fire under my team’s cumulative asses because they pulled off some really miraculous team work: Kendall Jenner casually dropped off a cover of Vogue Brazil, and partook in a great feud with sister Kylie over the latter’s idiot boyfriend Tyga that accounted for her many blog points. Corey Gamble didn’t do much of anything (if you call fucking Kris Jenner all the live-long day not much of anything, a characterization I trust Kris would be offended by) but North West—clearly spurred into action—was a lil’ cutie out there, rocking a pink tutu of all things. She’s practically making us all say “Saint who?” with these subtle passes. (JK, his name is Saint West, no middle name.) And the biggest news of all is actually a small one: Brandon Jenner pulled off one blog mention. Good job Brandon. I see you out there, hustling the only way you know how before you’re put out to pasture. —Kate Dries

Team the Gross Fan

Khloe Kardashian

Blog mentions: +15

Book mentions: +2

App mentions: +8

Kris Jenner

Blog mentions: +15

Penelope Disick (daughter of Kourtney and Scott)

Blog mentions: +0

Casey Jenner Brody Jenner

Blog mentions: +0

Total yardage: 40

Performance summary: I’m disappointed. Not because I’m not going to win—no, I’ve come to terms with that—but because even when my team is involved in some touchdown-worthy stories (like Khloe’s sudden nude shoot in St. Barth’s and Kris’s home invasion), no one cares. Let me repeat myself, people, Khloe posed NAKED and an intruder entered Kris’s WHILE SHE WAS THERE. And yet, what, 40 points? That’s 12 fewer than last week, when Khloe was FULLY CLOTHED and Kris felt SECURE. But I won’t let this get me down. No, I’ll keep chugging because that’s what sports are all about. I guess.

My current emotional state can best be expressed by this Instagram of a William C. Hannan quote posted yesterday by Kelly Rutherford, whose current struggles mirror mine.

Bobby Finger

Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink

Kourtney Kardashian

Blog mentions: +27

App mentions: 2

Outside product shill: -1

Thirst trap: +2

Scott Disick

Blog mentions: +18

Chris Brown video cameo: -10

MJ Shannon

Mason Disick

Blog mentions: +0

Total Yardage: 38

Performance Summary: Kourtney’s ongoing alleged love affair with walking tatted weinerboy Justin Bieber remains an incredible source of attention for the press—even more, if you can believe it, than her slim bod—which means she was yet again the star player for Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink. Her fealty to plays that benefit not just herself but her entire squad has not gone unnoticed. Also very much noticed: spurned ex Scott Disick’s major fumble in the form of a Chris Brown video cameo, which may have been a zero-sum issue in itself had his speaking lines—“I really can’t fuck all these bitches without you”—not indicated severe chronic traumatic encephalopathy. Docked, you child. —Julianne Escobedo Shepherd

Team Nobody

Kylie Jenner

Blog mentions: +35

App/ lip kit mentions: +8

Product shills: -5


Rob Kardashian

Blog mentions: +0

Bambi, Norman and Other Dog Jenner:

Blog mentions: +0

Reign Disick

Blog mentions: +0

Total yardage: 28

Performance summary: WOW! This week is an all-time low for Team Nobody, with Rob, Dogs and Baby Disick not even SHOWING UP TO THE GODDAMN GAME. Kylie Jenner basically laid down in the center of the field and made snow angels in the unrecyclable shipping garbage of 7,034,028 Kylie Jenner Lip Kits, which as it turned out may have even been stolen from another company’s formula. Were they actually? I refused to click on that article, so I’ll never know. But the real reason why Coach is drinking THIS WEEK is because 90 percent of Kylie’s blog mentions, essentially, were about how she brought Tyga on a family vacation (what’s worse than bringing a boyfriend that nobody likes?) and though these five websites fellate her so hard that I always know exactly what she Snapchats every week, none of them mentioned the subject of the above linked Gawker post: that she tweeted a screenshot reminding her followers that she did NOT support Black Lives Matter on Instagram. Not that she doesn’t support Black Lives Matter. She just didn’t, that one specific time. Got it? *dies* —Jia Tolentino


Team Bible: 949

Team Nobody: 804

Team Bush & the Tush: 762

Team The Gross Fan: 644

Team I Thought You Hate Hot Pink: 604

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