Since the dawn of humanity, mankind has wondered about the most intricate mysteries of the universe. Why are we here? How did life begin? And, most vexingly: how do you get your poop to change colors?
When my editor first proposed this scholarly work, I was skeptical (Editor’s Note: This is a complete lie. C.A. started immediately shouting about “Molecular Poopology” and speculating about what would happen if he ate a My Little Pony. Not a stuffed animal — an actual My Little Pony). Was I up to this task? Would I have the fortitude to push it out? She also told me that I could just look this stuff up on the Internet rather than trying it myself (and somehow convincing others to try it for me), an idea I rejected immediately. I mean, if we can’t have journalistic integrity on our poop-related posts, we might as well just shut down the Internet altogether and go back to communicating in smoke signals or whatever the hell people did before Geocities became a thing. Anyway, the quest was on, and I wouldn’t rest until I had answers.
Fortunately, I wasn’t alone. Numerous brave souls — Jezebel commenters, Jezebel writers (well, one Jezebel writer), my imaginary friends — all agreed to help by putting themselves in the very real danger of producing something that looked like a clown’s last meal, all in the name of Human Discovery. Here are our scientific findings (note: it counts as “scientific” if you wear a white coat and shout “I’M DOING SCIENCE!” a lot in lieu of peer review, right?):
Green
Food: Spinach Nuggets, which are apparently a thing.
Source: Le Petit Comte, son of Kinja user LaComtesse.
Explanation: The fact that kids eat a lot of weird shit is certainly not new information, but it does occasionally result in something magical. LaComtesse’s son seems to love these weird-ass Spinach Nuggets, and the result is that her bathroom winds up looking like Swamp Thing has suffered from intestinal distress in there. Still, the little guy has done much to further the human understanding of poop refraction, so I salute him and his spinach-y turds.
Pink
Food: Frankenberry.
Source: Jezebel’s own Rebecca Rose.
Explanation: I’d read that Frankenberry makes you poop like a unicorn, and I set out to prove it for myself — only to find out that apparently grocery stores and Targets in Pittsburgh don’t fucking sell Frankenberry. Dammit. Fortunately, Rebecca had experienced this phenomenon in the past and was able to confirm it for me. I wasn’t able to ask her any follow-up questions, however, as she immediately began shouting about vodka and shirtless Daniel Craig, so I still don’t know whether pink dookies come from other sources, such as eating a Lisa Frank drawing. Alas, this forbidden knowledge will have to wait for another time.
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