I Can Finally Return to Work Now That Ever Given Has Been Dislodged From the Suez Canal
Latest

When a giant cargo ship got stuck in the Suez Canal last week, I did what any red-blooded land mammal would do in this type of situation. I dropped everything, canceled all my plans, called out sick from work, and planted myself in front of a three-monitor set up to ensure that I would not miss a single riveting moment of a big-ass boat trying to three-point turn its way out of a canal that was literally built to ease the passage of big-ass boats from one point to another. Finally, my watch has ended. According to NBC, after several false alarms, Ever Given has been cleared from the Canal thanks to the efforts of over a dozen tugboats and some claw truck thingies moving sand around. I don’t know what those are called because I only care about the big boat.