Jesus Waits 2,000 Years to Casually Mention He's Married


So you met this really nice guy, and it’s been going great. You talk all the time, he really seems to “get” you, you’ve let him into your heart, you’ve been getting into some pretty kinky shit (not to go all TMI, but there’s some cannibal roleplaying involved). And then, yesterday, out of nowhere he just sort of casually lets it drop that he has a wife. What the hell, Jesus?!?

The bombshell revelation comes from a tiny fragment of papyrus from Egypt, written in ancient Coptic script. According to the BBC, Harvard Divinity Professor Karen King went all DaVinci Code on a conference in Rome, unveiling the script, which reads “Jesus said to them, ‘my wife’,” which King speculates may be a reference to Mary Magdalene.

But this doesn’t necessarily mean that Jesus was actually married, says King. It just means that certain sects of early Christians traditionally believed that he was married, whereas today most Christians believe that he was just a random single thirtysomething living in Jerusalem in the year 0 who wasn’t married and traveled around with a gang of hippies doing magic.

Not everyone is convinced that the papyrus fragment is even real. A Tennessee pastor said,

A statement on a papyrus fragment isn’t proof of anything. It’s nothing more than a statement ‘in thin air’, without substantial context.

He then resumed quoting the Bible, a book that definitely, definitely wasn’t found on ancient strips of papyrus in caves and cobbled together by people with a very specific political agenda. And on the 8th day, God created irony. And it was hilarious.


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