We’ve been spending a lot of time mulling over the type of verbal abuse that’s directed toward women lately, but in discussing the insults’ misogyny and sexism, we’re ignoring the fact that many of the more colorful anti-woman diss attempts would actually make pretty terrific band names. Pick up your bass guitar, your tambourine, and your mixing board— we’re about to make the hate rock the fuck out.
Before we turn up the speakers to 11, it’s important to note that these insult band names are real; they were drawn from personal experience, Anna’s post about hurtful insults, the mencallmethings hashtag page on Twitter, and Herman Cain. Ready? A-one. A-two. A-one, two, three, four.
Fat Tyrannical Liberal Maniac A roller derby-themed all-woman ska band that never planned to be any bigger than the Boston supper club scene, they’re taking their newfound status as indie rock sensations in stride. “I guess the 90’s really are back,” says frontwoman Hella Fitzgerald.
Fuckpuddle DJ Fuckpuddle is well known around Ibiza hotspots, but relatively unheard of elsewhere. That will undoubtedly change now that his music has been selected to feature prominently in the next edition of Grand Theft Auto.
Feminazi Cunt This is an all female death metal band from Latvia. They’re FEMEN’s favorite band and Peaches mentioned them in a recent interview. The drummer performs wearing only men’s briefs and diaphragms taped over her nipples. They’re really loud and don’t speak any English.
Babykiller Contrary to the violent sounding name, Babykiller is a homeschooled brother-sister duo from Eastern Washington named Brother and Sister Higgins. They discovered bluegrass when they were just children (their father is Thelonious Higgins, who is widely recognized as the grandfather of emo bluegrass) and have updated the genre to reflect their solitude and alienation. Their first EP is a 10 minute long recording of the duo playing banjo with kitchen utensils.
Carpetmuncher Laid back heroin chic rapper from Brooklyn who makes no secret of preferring to date women with big, bushy pubes. His first album, “Muff Diving,” is banned in Ireland for its obscene album art. Carpetmuncher has opened for Reggie Watts.
Socialist Pigfucker The theatrical lead singer of this band jokingly describes himself as a honky tonk Satanist. They dress like Amish people but their lyrics are disturbing and violent. Socialist Pigfucker has been terrifying small dives in rural Kentucky since 1997.
Frigid Chilling, atmospheric electronica created by an autistic Norwegian tween known only as Inge.
Please Kill Yourselves A side project for the members of Panic! At The Disco. It’s basically exactly the same as Panic! At The Disco, but in more updated fashions and with different haircuts. Kind of like how Home Alone 2 is basically the same thing as the original Home Alone. Despite the fact that PKY is about as threatening as a plush machete, parent groups across the country start a letter writing campaign demanding that Wal-Mart stop selling their debut album, “Listen, Sweetie.” The big box store eventually relents, although the album’s still available online.
The Angry Dyke Psychedelic screamo act featuring the talents of three Polyphonic Spree alumni who perform wearing footie pajamas.
Big Girl Panties This cheeky brat-rock band has been together since the girls were high school sophomores in suburban Los Angeles. They grew up idolizing both Sleater-Kinney and The Ramones, and you can hear the influence of both bands in their music. What they lack in musical talent they make up for in onstage chemistry and enthusiasm.
Typical Little Jew Another rangy white dude with a laptop. A Pitchfork darling. Music consists of beeps and scratching. Giant headphones and ringer tees.
Died in the Wool Pure upbeat sounding indie pop with dark lyrical undertones. This group distinguishes itself from a crowded “white people with feelings who wish they could afford Anthropologie” genre by featuring a harpist in many of their songs. A black harpist.
Victim Complex Twat I hope you’re ready to have the windows of your car rattled to within an inch of their lives. This hard driving dubstep duo is making giant bass flavored waves in frat houses and raves around the world. One music journalist who attended a show called VCT live “the worst best acid trip I’ve ever experienced.”
Obsessive This record label-created prefab girl group features the velvety vocal stylings of Destiny’s Child alumna Michelle Williams’ 20-year-old cousin. Expect dozens of radio friendly hits from these dynamic, camera-ready ladies!
Dear Sandy Titties Surprisingly, a barbershop quartet comprised of octogenarians with a bawdy sense of humor.
Loud Mouthed Booze Vacuum This pure country act is redneck and proud! Lead singers Twyla Jane Crawdid and Blair Stetson sing about all things Amurrican, and they’re not afraid to step on some toes. They burst onto the scene with their spirited post-Osama bin Laden death anthem “Statue of Liberty Done Stabbed You In The Turban” and have been a fixture of mainstream country radio ever since.
Princess Nancy Another resurgence of British glam rock unseen since The Darkness. The “Nancy” referenced in the group’s name is rumored to be the lead singer’s cousin who taunted him as a child. Who’s laughing now, Nancy?
There you have it— the most played artists from the misogynist Spotify account from Hell. Feel free to make your own theoretical insult bands in the comments, and in the meantime, ladies: remember, if you’re smart, you must be fat and ugly. If you’re pretty, you must be wrong.
That might actually make a pretty sick album name.
Image via Aija Lehtonen/Shutterstock