

I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven years and we have total trust, strong mutual respect and admiration, and great communication. We are super active and do fun stuff every weekend, we love each others families, we both make good money, he is hilarious, affectionate, I can take him anywhere and he will make friends and have fun without my help, he’s a total f-ing babe, he is a genuinely good person and regularly goes out of his way to help anyone even strangers, he loves me and forgives me when I’m a twat, all of our friends immediately become mutual friends, he CLEANS all the time, he can fix and build anything, he’s an amazing listener, his dog is one of the two best dogs I’ve ever known, he’s all the things. I love him. He wants to be together forever but the sex is not good and it never has been.
For the first three-to-four years I brought it up regularly and we had great open clear communication and he would try and then a week or day later it was the same again (him only wanting to on mornings on his days off, not pulling my hair or doing the specific things I’ve told him I enjoy, no foreplay, etc). I can get myself off if he just stays hard and doesn’t move but it’s just not as much fun. I love sex. This sex, for me, is meh and I don’t know if I want to have meh be my sex life forever (he wont consider anything outside of monogamy). But my relationships with great sex had other issues that made me straight up batshit—cheating, them being super dependent. I want all of the things on that above list with few exceptions but I don’t know if it’s realistic to think I will find someone with all those things who I also have amazing sex with. I mean, I’m sure that person is out there, maybe hundreds of that person are out there, but I’m in my 30s and am SO ready to just be settled in one spot for a nice long time. Tell me how to figure this out. Or just tell me what to do. The few people I’ve talked to about this look at me like I’m out of my mind—they love him, we are perfect, they want their relationship to be like ours. Am I an idiot for questioning this?
No. You’re not an idiot. Sex plays a different role in all of our lives. For some (me), it’s crucial to have frequent and good sex. My happiness depends on it (just ask anyone I’ve dated who has a low libido). For others (I won’t name names but you know who you are), sex is not the very first thing on their Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs. You need to be really honest with yourself about where it lies for you. If it’s important enough to write in to an advice column, I’m guessing this will be an ongoing issue in this particular relationship. SO! Check your moral compass and consider your options:
- Get a lover or lovers without his consent. You wouldn’t be the first person.
- Leave and maybe never have a great pal like this again
- Stay and maybe never have great sex again
- Leave and find a person who checks all the boxes
- Go to a sex therapist
Do any of those look good to you? I’m sorry that this advice is kind of non-advice. The advice is to do some soul searching. I know I would not be happy looking into the future after seven years of no foreplay and only getting it on mornings when my lover didn’t have anything on their schedule (a.k.a. never, especially after kids). Would you rather look back at a great seven year friendship (because that’s what this is, if you really think about it) or never again have the transcendent, healthy feeling that great sex can bring to your life?