A recent study conducted by the allies at the Pew Research Center took up the question of what “society” (their word) values in women and in men. First, the bad news: respondents to the survey thought that “physical attractiveness” was most important for women, and “honesty/morality” (boring!) was most important for men. Generally speaking, the study found that society values the same qualities in men and in women but not at the same rates. For example, about 20 percent of people think society values ambition most in men; 9 percent think this about women. Now, the good news: I suspect the study’s real target was how people think about and experience pressure.
The survey was set up not to ask respondents what they think, but what they think everyone else thinks. I love this because it’s in the nature of pressure that it exists and oppresses ambiently. By now, I think most men know not to say “I value hotness in a woman,” but they sure will tell us all about how those other men do. Rarely is it one’s actual male partner explicitly stating the need to be attractive/kind/honest/an involved parent/successful; more often these expectations feel more like they’re floating in the air in millions of foul-smelling particles fucking up your ability to breath. Pressure comes from everywhere and nowhere at once, which makes it as maddening as it is hard to study.
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