Not All Athletes Are Winners At The ESPYs


Whenever I think of ESPY Awards fashion, large men in collarless dress shirts and flashy jewelry come to mind. Well, things have changed a bit—not necessarily for the better, but they’ve changed nonetheless.

It’s my personal opinion (or prejudice, whatever) that basketball players are more fashion savvy than football players, and Russell Westbrook kind of proves my point as he pulls off the vest-without-a-jacket thing (a huge trend at the awards this year) better than Earl Bennett. He also does it better than Verne Troyer, too.

Further proving the basketball-players-are-more-fly theory are John Wall and Kemba Walker who, along with musician Raphael Saadiq, were best dressed, with John Wall earning top honors because he actually looks like the money he has.

Seriously, what the hell could have possibly happened to Serena Williams in the brief limo ride to the event that caused her to stain her sleeve? She’s just lucky that her ass is so unbelievable that it creates the ultimate distraction.

Dynasty Patrick.

Here are some bow tie looks gone wrong (unsurprisingly, they’re all NFL players). Marcedes Lewis gave it a really good shot, but the double-breasted jacket does his figure no favors. Meanwhile, Arian Foster looks like he’s trying to be Brad Goreski, which only really works for super skinny gay guys. And then there’s Dhani Jones, who wore a novelty tie that he got at Spencer Gifts.

Despite certain stereotypes about female athletes, Justin Bieber was the only dyke I spotted on the red carpet.

Rashad McCants’ is actually working that “classic” ESPYs look of gross, lapel-less jacket with giant bling. Lamarr Houston is just ridiculously, overly casual. And then there’s MLB pitcher Brian Wilson. The only reason why I’ve lumped him in with the other two “worst dressed” is because he clearly squandered the only good thing about men in spandex: Being able to see their peens outlined. In every picture he was blocking the view with this hand and stupid cane.

Kerry Washington is sparkly perfection.

Brooklyn Decker, Kendra Wilkinson and Tara Lipinski are all wearing dresses comprised of panels sewn together, which is gross because it’s so Silence of the Lambs ladysuit. I’m half-expecting one of them to dance to that scary song and get in my face and say, “Would you fuck me? I’d fuck me. I’d fuck me hard.”

While I’m fond of neither Amber Heard’s nor Damaris Lewis’ dresses, their lack of appeal pales in comparison to Allyson Felix’s shiny baby diarrhea fabric.

There were a ton of amputee athletes in attendance, which is pretty cool. However, I’m not really sure if they lost their limbs in their sport or if they triumphed over some kind of pre-existing setback— if you’re an athlete and they haven’t made a movie about you, you’re off my radar.

But seriously, Jonah Hill looks like he’s ill, right?

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