Now Accepting Applications to Replace the Lucky Penny

We always suspected this day would come. On Wednesday, November 12, 2025, the U.S. Mint in Philadelphia minted its final penny.

It’s a tragic day, yes, but I’m not too concerned about stores rounding up my change and losing out on a few cents here and there. What really troubles me is this: What will replace the lucky penny?

The penny was worthless, but in a way that made it priceless. It had a rare talent to exist completely unnoticed. A penny could sit on a curb for years without a single soul registering its presence. We grew accustomed to treating it like litter, part of the general mix of garbage that makes up the city sidewalk. Yet, the penny still held value. And in that way, the beautiful soul who stooped to pick one up off the dirty ground would be rewarded with good luck. And how could we ever replace that?

Here are a few ideas for what might take the place of this legendary little good luck charm—if anything ever could.

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Piss bottles

Piss bottles have the same rarity as a heads-up penny, and just as many germs. A lucky piss bottle for m’lady?

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VR Pennies

I’m sure someone at Palantir is already working on this.

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Your Dog’s Shit

Maybe we can make picking up after your dog the new good luck charm. If nothing else, it might finally get people to actually do it.

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A plastic bag, flying in the wind.

Did a plastic bag hit your windshield and obstruct your vision? Congrats! It’s your lucky day!

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American Spirit Cigarette Butts

Someone on their marketing team get on this!

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Good old-fashioned rocks

Let’s start picking up rocks on the side of the road. According to my mom, they have good energy.

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As you can see, we’re still taking applications. Let your own suggestions in the comments.

In truth, nothing can replace the joy of spotting a little Lincoln smiling up at you from the ground. But we will try. So goodbye, Penny. That is, until they drop the Surprise Limited Edition Tricentennial Penny (Taylor’s Version) on pre-sale for $45.99.

But until then, RIP. And Nickels? Don’t laugh. You’re on thin fucking ice.

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