Prince George to Justin Trudeau: Please Keep Your Filthy Peasant Hands Away From Me

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau is beloved for his progressive politics and strong yet boyish face, but 3-year-old Prince George sees right through all that shit, and will not be extending his hand in a “high five.” What does he look like, some sort of city-subsidized day camper? This sweater is cashmere.

Prince George, along with his handlers, Prince William and Kate Middleton, arrived in Canada on Sunday, where they were greeted off the plane by the pitiably thirsty PM. George has reportedly found the land lacking in intrigue and the food greasy and over-salted. “What is this, a wound debridement?” he sniffed, pushing the poutine away with his fork. “I wouldn’t feed this to even the most gnarled Corgi.”

Trudeau, buffoonishly unfazed, later tried to shake George’s hand, an unwanted overture that was met with near poisonous levels of contempt. “He reeks of low-end musk and socialism,” he whispered frantically to his sister, Charlotte. She nodded in agreement, deploying a vicious side eye in Trudeau’s direction before vomiting vindictively onto her mother’s shoulder pad.