Genius Ploy: We Stop Iran from Tolling Hormuz by Tolling Hormuz Even Harder Ourselves

In the pantheon of lunatic online Donald Trump pronouncements, casually announcing a 20% toll on the very same crucial waterway you’ve just spent months fighting to clear must rank … I don’t know, somewhere in the middle? This one does have all of the delicious, obvious hypocrisy that makes Trump statements impossible for the media to ignore, particularly in the way it flagrantly flies in the face of so many of the Trump administration’s previous assurances. It was only last month, after all, that Marco Rubio stated flatly that no country, anywhere, had the right to impose a toll in the Strait of Hormuz: “No country is allowed to charge tolls or fees on an international waterway. That’s existing international law.” What are we implying, that the Secretary of State doesn’t grasp the finer points of international business? Perhaps he’s just busy with his duties as the Viceroy of Venezuela?

The reality, meanwhile, is that no one–Trump most definitely included–has any idea what such a pronouncement genuinely means when Trump makes one. The words are always opaque, and Trump’s Truth Social posting–which somehow passes for legitimate communications from a world leader–aren’t backed up by say, official press releases or legislation that explain how such an idea would work in concrete terms. Literally none of this shit is clear; certainly not the meaning of what “reimbursed, at the rate of 20% on all cargo shipped, for any and all costs necessary to do the job of providing safety” is supposed to mean. Twenty percent of what? Of the cost incurred by the U.S. in providing protection, for fuel and munitions, labor, etc? Or, as some news outlets chose to apocalyptically conclude (because it makes for scarier headlines), does it mean 20% of the cost of the shipped goods or oil? That would imply a toll of, let’s see … $30 million or more per full oil tanker? Yeah, that’s not happening, folks, no matter how much Trump wants to get all of that lost tariff revenue back.

I am not in the business of pretending to know what the hell Trump is thinking at any given time, or divining the meaning of his words, at least most of the time. But this is one of the few times that I am immediately confident in flatly stating that Donald Trump cannot possibly be interested or serious in having the United States charge a blanket tax on all the goods and oil being shipped through the Strait of Hormuz. To do so would have obvious, immediate, catastrophic effects on the world economy and the prices of goods–the New York Times estimated that it could double the cost of global shipping overnight through the rise in the price of oil alone. Those oil prices are obviously already on the rise now thanks to spooked buyers and shipping companies, but even those people don’t genuinely think that Trump is about to start directly imposing a U.S. toll after months of objections to an Iranian one. Rather, the current rise in oil prices reflects the disappointment and uncertainty of those who delusionally believed the 100th incorrect or premature proclamation from the administration that the conflict was finally about to end, despite all evidence to the contrary.

The most logical explanation for Trump’s “20%” pronouncement, meanwhile, is that he is simply bluffing, attempting to freak people out, and fishing for some kind of other concession from … someone. From Iran in negotiations? Good luck with that, given how many times he’s issued apocalyptic threats only to crawl away from them on his belly immediately afterward. Nor is the threat of a toll really directed at Iran in the first place: The main targets punished by it would be transnational corporations that keep the arteries of global commerce pumping, and regional allies. Perhaps Trump wants to force those allies into contributing militarily in some aspect of the conflict? For many shippers, though, it must be noted that being suddenly charged an additional 20% on the entire cargo of a ship would instantly make the entire business of shipping unprofitable and pointless, leading to a collapse in the movement of goods. That’s not even mentioning the geopolitical ramifications of such an action: If it’s suddenly not against international law to toll important economic waterways where you have a military presence, then Indonesia and Malaysia can now assess massive, mandatory tolls on the Strait of Malacca, or China and Russia can extort payment from ships traversing the Arctic Ocean. The whole world ends up holding shipping hostage, and bananas are $100 each by the time they make their way to us.

🤣U.S. to collect a 20% Strait of Hormuz toll 🤣
#StraitOfHormuz #Iran #Trump #ImpeachConvictRemoveImprison

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— Kimbee🍸666 (@kimbee666.bsky.social) 12:05 PM · Jul 13, 2026

Suffice to say, Trump does not want this: The man is so sensitive to oil prices and gasoline prices that he’s been linked to an attempt to buy good press with a network of mysterious gas stations providing fuel at below the cost of profitability. If there’s one thing we can be certain in insisting that Trump wants, and wants desperately, it’s for energy, oil and fuel prices to come back down to less painful levels in time for the 2026 midterm elections in November. Whether he has the slightest idea of how we might achieve that is another matter entirely.

Ironically, Iran’s statements in response to Trump’s fanciful tolling posts actually agree with the President on the right of a country to extract a toll in the region in the first place–that is, after all, what Iran wants to do in partnership with Oman, although it’s once again unclear how it would actually work. Iranian Foreign Minister Abbas Araghchi put out a wry statement, saying Trump was “absolutely right” that a country could extort those traveling the waterway, but that it should obviously be Iran doing the extorting … at a much cheaper price. As Araghchi put it: “20% is of course too much. We will be fair.” And given that they’ve already demonstrated the ability to hold the Strait hostage with land-based missiles, why wouldn’t they be confident?

As for the current moment, shipping in the Strait has already ground to a halt in the last few days as the U.S. and Iran have picked up the intensity of their exchanges of airstrikes and missile fire, and several ships transiting Hormuz have become the targets of attacks. The U.S. is solving things the good old fashioned way, meanwhile: By indiscriminately bombing small towns and cities, and by killing Iranian civilians.

I will be charging a 20% toll on all Labubu sales in Seattle. Please let me know if you have any questions

— ellie lockhart (she/they) (@eleanor.lockhart.contact) 2:57 PM · Jul 13, 2026

One guy we somehow haven’t heard from in response to these latest developments? That would be the Viceroy himself, the man who insisted that no country could ever have a legal right to demand payment from ships crossing these waterways. Surely, Marco Rubio will be weighing in at any time now, and when he does, I’m sure his response will keep the same tone as his final word on whether a Hormuz toll was acceptable: “This is a normal that we will never be able to accept.”

We look forward to Little Marco’s condemnation of the President at any moment.