Part thine waters! Lo and behold! For now that you have bred, there is perhaps no time where unsolicited gifts are more free-flowing and abundant, the kind of gifts that say, we thought of you, if by “you” we mean “us,” and you better believe we still want a thank-you note. In other words, hope you don’t hate STUFF, cause you’re getting it — and how. What, you don’t like free stuff for your baby? What are you, from Nazi Russia?
People often remarked to me while I was pregnant that “kids are expensive,” followed by a money-weary look, as if they’d just been turned upside down by their children and had their pockets shaken loose for remaining change. ‘Twas only misplaced emphasis, though: KIDS are expensive. Babies, far as I can tell, are not.*
Point being, you don’t need 80% of what you think you need the first year. Breastfeeding, while often frustrating, can be insanely cheap in the long term, and cloth diapers no longer require a giant cartoon safety pin. If you wanted to be European, or as some people call it, obnoxiously smug, you can even forego a crib for the family bed. People LOVE hearing about this.
*I think I hear an ever-loudening roar of dissent approaching, but I shall continue unfazed.
There’s also more than enough used stuff out there to help you determine your own must-haves very cheaply, and you don’t even have to have read The Secret for it to find its way to you. Hey, I’m a notch above misanthrope and still managed to get three infant tubs, two strollers, an exersaucer, a swing, a Baby Bjorn, two Maya wraps and a potty chair unloaded on me, all on the free and with no obligation to meet anyone for coffee.
Not that it matters, though ’cause you’re about to rack up more useless shit than the world’s longest yard sale. You can try to protest — but you’ll seem like an asshole. You can ask for the specific stuff you actually need, but you’re robbing people of their one chance in life to baby-shop vicariously through your major life decision.
You can cite the environment, extreme gender programming or a minimalist lifestyle as causes for your ban on certain types of pointless gifts — but no, you are a hippie feminist weirdo who probably didn’t even get your baby professionally photographed wearing outfits with matching shoes.
Plus, you’re taking all the fun out if it for everyone else. That said, at least you are only one kind of awful, whereas the gifts you are receiving are all kinds of effed up. For instance!
Some Stuff Is Kinda Right
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