The Most Racist Sodas, Ranked, According to J.D. Vance

My fellow True American Patriots, our freedoms are under attack yet again. The woke mob won’t even let us real red-blooded Americans drink the soda we want anymore, so says our new hero from America’s heartland, J.D. Vance, in what was definitely not the cringiest moment of the presidential campaign yet.

The coastal elites controlling our tastebuds with 5G waves are trying to push us into the arms of Coke and Pepsi, who everyone knows are just fronts for the deep state, demanding we stop asking questions about other unhealthy ways to quench our thirst. The diabolical communist plot to brand every non-deep state soda as racist is in full swing all around you, and if you can’t see it, well then you obviously didn’t study 4chan as deeply as myself and our future Vice President.

Open your third eye folks! Thank the American God that super normal and well-adjusted human J.D. Vance has come to save us all, and expose the plot by the woke mind virus to slander the good name of American sodas.

I had a totally real conversation with J.D. Vance that definitely was not invented for satiric purposes, and he clued me in on this nefarious scheme to sully the good name of some of America’s finest sodas. Here are the disturbing results of our joint effort to uncover the plot to destroy the United States by branding our beloved sodas as irredeemable racists.

5. A&W Cream Soda

Oh of course they go after the white soda. Only in ClintonObamaSorosBidenHarris’s America right folks? You may think this American classic enjoyed by people across the political and social spectrum is just a normal soft drink, but not to the woke left. No, they have to make disgusting insinuations by creating entirely made-up class action lawsuits over A&W not having real vanilla in it and canceling a good soda’s name. Fellow patriots, we cannot let this happen, gorge yourself on A&W cream soda until you can no longer take it, then drink some more. Show these libs who’s America this really is.

4. Monster Energy Drink

Wow libs, some are telling me that Monster isn’t soda? Really? We’re discriminating against sugary carbonated drinks just because it has enough caffeine in it to reanimate Joe Biden’s presidency and is primarily consumed by white teen boys playing Call of Duty while saying the n-word? Wow. Wowwwwww. OK. Now the libs have really gone and done it. We must organize a national boycott of buying drinks that aren’t Monster Energy. Even A&W Cream Soda. Everything must be sacrificed to the conservative id driving my rage at the invented controversy of the hour. I don’t care that Coca-Cola owns a 16.7% stake in them, that’s just the deep state keeping an eye on a True American Patriot. This is America damnit, people like J.D. Vance say what reality is, not the woke mob.

3. Squirt

My friends and fellow patriots, it is our God-given American duty to support an American classic, Squirt, in its longstanding war against the deep state. Sprite is a Manchurian candidate, a Coke in sheep’s clothing, and we must resist its refreshing temptations. The deep state is very powerful, as they have enlisted LeBron James in their quest to imply that anyone who enjoys a lemon-lime soda not manufactured in the bowels of hell to be an unrepentant racist. Squirt me in the mouth, I don’t care how cringe it is. I’ll take it all. Anything to stand beside J.D. and my brothers in Real America’s defense.

2. Cheerwine

It should come as no surprise that the communists have come for a southern classic. Vance assured me that in this broad devious plot to brand all non-deep state sodas as racist, the NSA slipped this monstrous article titled “Cheerwine is Satan’s Soda” into the web, chasing countless patriots away from a quality cherry soda. Resist the temptation to click my brothers and sisters in arms, I understand we must be vigilant about fighting Satan wherever we see him, but wait for people like Vance and the rich guy who has his hand up his ass to tell us where Satan is. This is clearly the sloppy work of a devious deep state uninterested in preserving American tradition.

1. Diet Mountain Dew

This was the explosive reveal that blew the top off of this whole conspiracy. Vance swore to me that Dale Earnhardt Jr. exposed the whole thing to him, and he drove the Diet Mountain Dew car in 2015 as a quiet symbol of deep state resistance. While some were characterizing Vance’s brave journalism as “weird” and “off-putting” and “why does he talk like that?”, those are just the deep state agents sent by the woke mind virus to destroy your brain with Chinese Communist Party propaganda. Vance’s shocking Diet Mountain Dew exposé will reverberate throughout history, etched alongside great American moments like George Washington crossing the Delaware River, Abraham Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address and that time Donald Trump pointed at me at one of his rallies. Diet Mountain Dew is now the official drink of Real American Conservatives, and it is our mission sent down from the heavens to make it the most popular drink in the world. I have already placed an order for 10,000 pallets, and you should too, fellow patriot, lest you want to let the libs win and brand you, an incredibly normal, sane and well-adjusted person, a racist soda enthusiast.

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