The Ryan Lochte Reality Show Looks AMAZING (If You Like Amphibious Sex Idiots)


Oh god, oh god, it’s finally here. Footage from the upcoming Ryan Lochte reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do? (premiering April 21), has arrived and I don’t know why I ever thought this shit would be boring. Some of the things Ryan Lochte would do apparently include:

– Not remember how many medals he won at the Olympics
– Yell “JEAH” while holding a comically oversized watch
– Yell “JEAH” while crouching next to a license plate that says “JEAH”
– Demonstrate the “boring” way to say “JEAH,” which is just “jeah”
– Demonstrate the cool way to say “JEAH,” which is achieved by putting the “emphatence” on the “JEE”
– Wear the worst ribbed knit ’90s hoodie-sweater
– Remind me of my ex-boyfriend to the point where I can smell his cologne
– Explain how shoes work
– Fumble this hardball question: “What is the Lochte edge?”
– Say “Lochte” over and over like it powers his iPhone or something
– Swim fast
– Have a super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged conversation with his coach about how he’s planning to go out drinking the night before the “big meet”
– Have a bunch of super-genuine-and-totally-not-staged encounters with hot ladies at the clurb the night before the “big meet”
– Do bad at the “big meet”
– Slur all the words
– Engage in bromance with his assistant
– Golf
– Live every day to the fullest
– Hold a baby like it’s a rotten burrito
– Spit gobs of mucus into his mom’s hair
– Cry about swimming
– Have amazing hair
– Refuse to give up on love
– Remind me of my friend’s five-year-old to the point where I can smell the pizza-farts
– Invent new catchphrases such as, “Don’t dooplecate, just recipitate.”
– One more “JEAH”
– One more tinier “JEAH” at the end

AND THAT’S JUST IN 4 MINUTES AND 30 SECONDS, YOU GUYS. [Dies of anticipation.]

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