Like “hipster” and “douchebag,” the word “bro” has been applied to such a vast swath of American culture that it seems no one is really sure what it means anymore. Turns out, much of that confusion can be attributed to the fact that a bro is different depending on where in the Bronited States of Bromerica you’re currently bro’ing down.
Before we enter the brozone, we must answer, for our purposes, the age-old question: What is a bro? The most practical, workable definition: An adult male whose social life revolves around collegiate homosocial bonding and who also presents himself in a way that assimilates to the prevailing aesthetic of men with similar socialization patterns. Or, if I was going to put it in a way that sounded less like a student who didn’t do the reading trying to fill out the essay portion of a sociology exam, a bro is a young, usually unmarried, often immature guy who just does what everyone else his age seems to be doing. He’s not necessarily a bad guy, he’s not necessarily worthy of derision (some of my best friends are bros!). He’s just figuring life out and trying to enjoy himself in the process (unfortunately, this pursuit of enjoyment combined with a lack of self awareness, can, in the case of some bros, result in asshole behavior), and he’s not secure or confident enough to do it on his own.
Overall, bros just wanna have fun! In a group of 5 or 6 other, similarly dressed bros!
Interestingly enough, what’s required for bro-ing down in, say, Chicago would not fly in a bro bar in, say, New York City. And imagine a New York City bro rolling into a gathering of Portland bros. Imagine a Red State Frat Bro trying to kick it with an LA Bro. A DC bro and a Cowbro. Bros, like liquor, rarely mix well, if at all.
So, without further ado, a brief survey of regional bros and their aesthetic ideals.
The Manhattan Bro
Uniform: Blue button down shirt, grey or black work pants, nice leather Big Time Job Shoes. Good hair.
Intoxicant: Beer/Adderall.
Habitat: The office (they’re all investment bankers), or the bar down the street from the office that is filled with other bros who have identical jobs and identical wardrobes, or the biggest table at a popular but expensive steak house in Brooklyn during the after work hours. Bathroom stalls that lend themselves well to the blowing of lines.
Hobbies: Over-identifying with the really over-the-top scenes from Wolf of Wall Street. Stealing cabs. Eventually marrying women named Claire, and then divorcing her for a woman named Madison (who is 23). Yelling.
Secret shame: Feels bad about small penis.
Celeb brospiration: Alec Baldwin punching a guy
The Chicago Bro
Uniform: North Face jacket, Big 10 college sweatshirt (ALMA MATER ONLY), athletic shoes. During the summer, basketball shorts, a college tee shirt, baseball cap, and sandals. Toes aplenty among the bros of Chicago during warm weather.
Job: Consulting or accounting. Finance, but not, like, sexy finance. Maybe a loan officer or a financial advisor.
Hobbies: Getting blackout drunk every weekend.
Secret shame: Is going bald (that’s what the baseball cap is supposed to hide) and getting large in the middle from all that drinking, despite only being 28 (every bro in Chicago is 28).
Celeb brospiration: Vince Vaughn
The Mid-Atlantic Bro
Uniform: Boat shoes without socks, pastels. Salmon colored shorts. Sailing motifs.
Intoxicant of choice: Beer, vodka, whatever. Eventually the night will lead to cocaine.
Secret shame: Has poor parents. Actually does not know how to sail.
Celeb brospiration: Bradley Cooper in Wedding Crashers.
The Southern Frat Bro
Uniform: Like The Mad Hatter preparing to appear on Fox News or a Dad about to go golfing. Impeccable, possibly side-parted hair. Think high school bully in an 80’s movie.
Intoxicant of choice: SoCo. Occasionally chewing tobacco.
Hobbies: Fancying self to be “gentleman” (one source familiar with southern bros even referred to them as “gentleman bros”) Being borderline psychotic about SEC football.
Secret shame: Belongs to a fraternity that is still segregated. Has scar on neck from bar fight he got into after his favorite football team lost to another SEC team.
Celeb brospiration: Tucker Carlson
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