This Famous Comedian Is Engaged to Actress Jessica Lowndes, and I Promise You'll Care

By Bobby Finger  |  March 28, 2016 | 1:45pm
CelebritiesDirt Bag

In my year and change at Jezebel, I don’t think I’ve written the name of this mystery man in a single installment of Dirt Bag, but, knowing what we know today, that’s probably because the Gossip Gods (show idea) were saving him for something bigger—like being the surprise fiancé of a mostly unknown TV star 31 years his junior named Jessica Lowndes, who revealed their relationship to the world after a series of teaser Instagrams suggested she’d become engaged to her “sugar daddy.”

It all started with a photo of a “proverb” Lowndes posted on Instagram. Or, I guess it actually started when the mystery man’s parents decided to rely on the rhythm method, but never mind that. Lowndes posted this photo:

Thai Proverb, you say? Let’s not dwell on that. Anyway, after suggesting she was dating an old man who liked munching on her grass, she posted this:

This is the one that really got the rumor mill going. Who did this liver-spotted hand belong to, and why was it clutching her inner thigh while she was operating a motor vehicle?

Yikes.

“No, I haven’t been hacked,” is always a good sign.

Engaged, but to whom, Jessica????

WHO IS THE NASALLY OLD MAN WAKING YOU UP FROM NAPPING IN FULL GLAM, JESSICA?!?!?!

Oh. This song is how I feel right now.

[People]

But enough about things that confuse and concern us. In a new unauthorized biography about the Kardashians to be released next month, NYT bestselling author Ian Halperin writes that selling Kim Kardashian’s infamous sex tape—the one that was responsible for a significant chunk of their current fame—was Kris Jenner’s idea.

Page Six writes:

He quotes a source in the “adult film industry” who said, “A mutual friend of Kim and Paris [Hilton] had advised her that if she wanted to achieve fame, a sex tape would be the way to go . . . Kim had discussed the idea of producing a tape with her family beforehand.”
Halperin also says a former friend of Kim had told him, “It was Kris who engineered the deal behind the scenes and was responsible for the tape seeing the light of day,” although he added this had been long rumored in the showbiz world.

Who would’ve thunk? We all have thunk.

[Page Six]

  • Victoria and David Beckham have split up their business, and Radar thinks this means divorce. [Radar Online]
  • Here’s a video of Ciara setting Russell Wilson’s emotions knob to “excited.” [TMZ]
  • Miley Cyrus is still engaged, thank god. [Us Weekly]
  • The biological father of Madonna’s 10-year-old adopted son is “concerned” about her lifestyle. [Daily Mail]
  • I don’t know what’s worse, this video of Taylor Swift and her brother or Us Weekly’s detailed description of it. [Us Weekly]
  • Adele wants Jamie Oliver to “fuck off” for telling her to breastfeed. I want him to fuck off for naming his son Buddy Bear. [Page Six]
Image via Jessica Lowndes/Twitter.

 
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