This Week in Tabloids: InTouch Runs Truly Vile Robin Williams Article
CelebritiesWelcome back to Midweek Madness, in which in which we take a mental vacation to the land of celebrity gossip, via the pages of Star, Us Weekly, OK!, Life & Style and InTouch. This week: InTouch wrote a disgusting and disgraceful article in which they fabricated Robin Williams’ suicide notes; OK! put the phrase “Kim: YES, I’M FAT” on their cover; and Beyoncé is still going to divorce Jay Z. Woof. This is a rough one.
OK!
YES, I’M FAT
Kim Kardashian recently tweeted that she would like to lose 15-20 pounds; translated into hideous tabloid-speak, that is, “YES, I’M FAT.” According to a source, she is now embarking on a Robin Thicke-esque quest to “get her body back.” Kim Kardashian, incorporeal consciousness floating through space, embarks on desperate quest to #GetHerBodyBack. Also, as part of her quest, she is apparently going to “undergo a veritable pupu platter of cosmetic procedures,” which is a sentence a person really wrote. Sure! Moving on: Hank and Kendra are pretending to get back together for their reality TV show even though she will never trust him again because he cheated on her and shatter their relationship eternally. Sounds fun! Tune in!!!! Elsewhere in the mag, Kristen Stewart is trying to make the moves upon Jennifer Lawrence’s ex-boyfriend Nicholas Hoult; specifically, the article cites the ~sushi date~ K-Stew went on with Nicholas like a month ago that other tabloids have already used as evidence of a Torrid Affair. AT LEAST MAKE SOMETHING FUN UP. Very lazy, OK! editorial staff. I’m disappointed. Finally, uh, all three Olsen sisters are getting married to their various men by the end of 2014, which sounds like a logistical nightmare and a breeding ground for eternal resentment. Fortunately for the Olsen clan, it is definitely not true (Ashley is not engaged; no one has picked a date; having three weddings in four months is pure madness). But can you imagine the oversize wedding ponchos they would all wear in succession?
GRADE: F (getting locked in a gas station bathroom for several days in the midst of a road trip with no sustenance save for a slightly damp roll of toilet paper)
Life & Style
AT WAR WITH THE QUEEN
Kate Middleton and her mother-in-law, the Queen of England, are not getting along. So Kate is sticking it to her, as one does, by redecorating a mansion in the countryside and then moving there once it has new fireplaces and stuff. The Queen is fighting back my leasing a helicopter so she can visit whenever. Classic method of sparring with one’s in-laws. In other news, Miley Cyrus and her entourage wreaked havoc on a peaceful fancy person hotel in NYC, causing Life & Style to venture that she’s “out of control again.” According to a source at the hotel, “Miley Cyrus, 21, and her entourage descended on the Greenwich [Hotel] like a pack of wild dogs.” I assume this means they were chewing and/or peeing on the leather sofas. Other examples of her recent bad behavior: she let a fan touch her chest; she and her friends did karaoke until 3 a.m. and “ordered a lot of beer while doing so.” UH-OH!!!!! WE GOT A REGULAR BACK OF MAENADS OVER HERE. The best part of this article, by far, is the graphic (Fig. 1) insisting that she went “from looming to lighting up.” As if the two were mutually exclusive. Elsewhere in the mag, we have an “exclusive” story about how Hank refuses to leave Kendra’s house but they are working through things maybe, just in time for their tv show. Ok, guys. Suuuure. And, finally, Solange has convinced Beyoncé and Jay Z to undergo couples’ counseling but it’s not really working. Beyoncé wants out, says a source.
GRADE: D- (a theme park based on the Twilight saga, but, like, very literally. Basically just a high school that gets rained on a lot in which the popular kids are really snobby.)