This Week in Tabloids: Kidman, Holmes and Remini Are Joining Together to Ruin Tom Cruise

By Madeleine Davies | December 7, 2016 | 11:10pm

Celebrities

Welcome back to Midweek Madness where this week, Kim Kardashian is either divorcing the spotlight or Kanye West (depending on which tabloid you ask), Angelina Jolie is desperately missing Brad, and a group of women—Leah Remini, Nicole Kidman, and Katie Holmes—are coming together to ruin Tom Cruise and the Church of Scientology.

I love a good revenge story, don’t you?

Life & Style

All of the Kardashian-Jenners are terrified of Caitlyn Jenner’s upcoming memoir The Secrets of My Life because of all the detox tea she’s about to spill. Not only is she going to reveal ex Kris Jenner’s controlling nature (not much of a shocker there), but she’s also going to talk about behind-the-scenes fights, drug abuse, failed marriages, plastic surgery and all of the times Scott Disick gave Dis-Dick to family members other than Kourtney. Again, none of this is particularly revelatory!

Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck are back together and it’s all because another man—“a young Hollywood exec named Jake”—began pursuing Jen and Ben was jealous as hell. The courtship, according to the source, “resulted in a lot of fighting with Ben” and eventually Ben told her “he would do anything to save the marriage.” Now, “Jen couldn’t be happier… Ben, on the other hand, is still doing some reckoning.” Reckon your way outta my tabs! I’m sick of you two!

Mariah Carey is apparently demanding a reedit of her reality show Mariah’s World because she “thought she came off as boring in the first version she saw… She was freaking out about the show making her life look dull. Mariah has these over-the-top visions of herself that just didn’t match what she was seeing in the final cut.” Mariah has an over-the-top vision of herself, Jen and Ben are boring, I’m a gross pop culture parasite, and grass is green. Moving on!

Elsewhere in the mag: Tom Cruise will not be joining his daughter (whom he hasn’t seen in three years) for Christmas because he’ll be too busy soaking in a deprivation tank with David Miscavige in Clearwater, Florida. Nick Carter, your favorite Carter after Aaron, revealed which celebrity closet he’d most like to peek into and the answer is… Claire Danes? (Fig 1.1) Okie doke! Britney Spears is seeing her “Slumber Party” video co-star Sam Asghari and she “can’t stop bragging to all her friends about how much sex they’re having!” But, as Life & Style points out, it’s about more than the D. “He recently gave her a pair of expensive blue-eyed kittens.” Sounds like true love to me.

Want to end with a scary story? Taylor Swift “recently filmed a secret guest appearance… for the final season of Girls.”

Star

In the wake of being robbed at gunpoint and her husband Kanye West’s psychiatric evaluation, Kim Kardashian is taking a break from Keeping Up with the Kardashians and the public eye. Less happy about this very reasonable timeout: Kris, who wants to keep making as much money as she can, and sisters Kourtney and Khloe, who fear (rightly) that no one will watch KUWTK if Kim’s not on it.

Speaking of the Kardashians, Kendall Jenner, “the natural one,” reportedly got some face work before the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show and is unhappy with the plumper results. Also unhappy are the writers of Kevin Can’t Wait—not because they write for Kevin Can’t Wait, but because their boss, Kevin James, is a devout Catholic and won’t allow them to go blue. As reported in two of the tabloids this week, Tori Spelling is begging Martha Stewart to mentor her so she can become a lifestyle brand, but “Martha hates how actresses like Gwyneth Paltrow and Blake Lively—and now Tori—think they can be her.” No one can be you, Martha! Remember when we said Mariah Carey was unhappy because she realized how dull her life was? Well, forget that because Star has published some photos of her stiffly frolicking on a beach with a backup dancer/cardboard cut out of a man and the relationship doesn’t appear staged at all!

Bradley Cooper and Irina Shayk are expecting a baby and “couldn’t be happier.” According to Star, “Bradley always wanted children, but he wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen until he met Irina.” It’s 2016, Bradley! You can have a baby whenever you want!!!

It’s only been a couple months since Angelina Jolie separated from Brad Pitt, but according to a “friend,” she’s already desperate—both financially and emotionally—to get Brad back. How does this “friend” know? Because another “friend” told them that Angie said, “I want Brad back.” Yep. All checks out.

OK!

“Divorce” isn’t just a hit show starring Sarah Jessica Parker, it’s also what’s happening to George and Amal Clooney! The couple, according to OK!, just can’t get on the same page. Amal wants to live at their estate in England! George wants to stay in L.A! Also causing tension is her tense relationship with his close friends Cindy Crawford and Rande Gerber, not to mention her disapproval over the nips and tucks George wants to get to stay pretty in front of the cameras. “George recently met up with his old buddy Brad Pitt for drinks in Malibu,” reports the magazine. “And it’s not hard to guess what they might have talked about.” The Casey Affleck sexual harassment claims? How much they both liked Moonlight? The true cost of shrimp? Nope. “I imagine George can relate to how Brad’s marriage to Angelina Jolie fell apart,” says a source. I guess they’ll talk about Moonlight later.

Winner of the rudest headline of the week: “Kelly’s Skeleton in the Closet,” a mocking piece about Kelly Ripa’s weight. The competition was tough, but OK! came out ahead in the end!

In Touch

While it was a slim week for good gossip in OK!, In Touch is picking up the slack. Like, did you know that former Bachelor Ben Higgins had all of his friends get their sperm tested at his bachelor party for a wedding that will never happen? Zoinks! Or that Gwen Stefani went out in public with a hickey that she probably got while watching Talladega Nights for the 100th time with her boyfriend Blake Shelton? Wowzers! Or how about how—judging by a photo panel where he’s not looking at her dancing—Liam Hemsworth won’t let Miley Cyrus be Miley Cyrus? Klah-blowwwy!

Countering the news that Kim Kardashian is taking a break from the public eye for the good of her family is In Touch’s report that she’s ready to divorce Kanye. Not only that, but she’s bringing out the big guns—famed celebrity divorce lawyer, Laura Wasser. Either that or she and Laura—friends for years—are just having lunch.

Gwen Stefani and Miranda Lambert are about to go tune-to-tune as Gwen plans to release an album in response to Miranda’s very successful “The Weight of These Wings,” which subtly chronicles her divorce from Gwen’s current boo, Blake Shelton. (My favorite track: “(Do We Really Have to Watch) Talladega Nights Again.”) Unfortunately, no one seems to care about what Gwen could have to say.

Will Leah Remini’s truth bombs blow up Scientology and the career of Tom Cruise? In Touch certainly thinks so, especially if Tom’s exes Nicole Kidman and Katie Holmes are willing to help. Katie has apparently been making “subtle jabs at him in public,” while Nicole “is planning a tell-all…Nicole could easily rip the lid off of Scientology and Tom’s Mr. Nice Guy persona.” But WILL SHE? Seems unlikely considering that the pair share children. That and Nicole seems pretty happy living in the outback with Keith Urban and their daughter Boomerang—who’d want to shake that up? That said, I hope the answer is EVERYONE. Bring Scientology to its KNEES.

Lastly, does this dog really look like Beyoncé and does Alessandra Ambrosio really binge on Westworld? (Fig 2.1 and 2.2) I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Fig 1.1

Fig 2.1

Fig 2.2