This Week In Tabloids: Sofia Vergara's On An Embryo-Destroying Rampage

Kate Middleton has been making her own rules regarding the next royal baby and Queen Elizabeth II crown is red hot. Last week we learned about Prince Charles being angry at Kate for choosing not to raise the baby in the palace, and now his mum has joined in. (Just imagine their dinner table fights!) “The queen feels the heirs to the throne should be in the capital, not relaxing in the countryside,” a source told Life & Style, because the last thing a newborn should be doing is relaxing. “So Elizabeth is still pressuring Kate and William to change their plans.” Good luck, Liz, because you’re not gonna see those kids unless you schlep yourself and your flaming crown to the house with the best name in all the land, Bucklebury Manor. Mothers-in-law, am I right?

Khloe Kardashian is at WAR. Not with terror or drugs or Queen Elizabeth II, but with Lamar Odom. The two, who are still married, have begun living together again, but the reunion has come with a set of rules created by Khloe. “No drugs, no other women, and they have to go to marriage counseling together,” one insider says. Her plan allegedly worked for a hot second, but before you could say “Wait, Kim’s brunette again?” he was back to being a bad boy. Maybe they should move somewhere more relaxing. I hear Bucklebury Manor is nice.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

• Mariah Carey’s publicist dumped her because every time she tells Mariah something’s a bad idea, Maria just says, “It will all be fine, darling.”
• Sting gave $36,000 “to the victims of the East Village building explosion in NYC,” presumably because he hates when things blow early.
• Britney Spears is banned from all of Gordon Ramsay’s Las Vegas restaurants because her managers think they’ll make her fat. Rude!!!!!!!
• If you’re not wearing yellow you’re an asshole.
• Beyoncé HATES Rihanna.
• Mischa Barton HATES her mom.
• Kelly Osbourne HATES Giuliana Rancic.
• Taraji P Henson LOVES eating soup.

Grade: D+ (You watch Junior for the second time.)

Star

BRUCE: “KRIS MADE ME LIVE A LIE!”

Bruce Jenner’s interview with Diane Sawyer doesn’t air until next week, but that hasn’t stopped Star from doing a little investigative reporting and figuring out literally everything that will be said. Things Star knows that you don’t:

1. “Kris knew all along!”
2. “[Bruce] has known since the age of 5 that he had a dominant feminine side.”
3. Rob is “totally against what his dad is doing.”
4. “Bruce will be changing his name to Belinda.”
5. After the surgery, Bruce “will consider himself to be a lesbian.”
6. Bruce is attracted to “curvy women with dark, smoldering looks.”

I hope the lazy, talentless Diane Sawyer knows she’s been scooped.

Rosie O’Donnell stole a baby. OK I’m being dramatic, she lied to get a baby. I guess that’s kind of like stealing? Either way, Rosie O’Donnell has a baby that does not belong to her and she has no intention of flinging it back like a Koosh ball. The child’s birth mother, Michelle Rounds, told Star, “Rosie acted as though she was generally interested in me and my story. She made me feel comfortable, showered my older daughter with lavish gifts, and showed an interest in my well-being…None of it was true.” Rounds goes on to claim that Rosie forced her to sign adoption documents against her will and then snatched the baby out of her hands like, hmm, that one Lifetime movie probably? I think this was a Lifetime movie.

Would you like to learn more about Demi Moore and Jon Cryer’s whirlwind 1984 romance? No? You’d rather steal a baby than learn about that? Too bad! Because I’m going to tell you all about it. In Cryer’s new memoir So That Happened (the exact title you’d expect Jon Cryer to give his memoir), he discusses his “sexy but short-lived” affair with Moore. He says he was attracted to her “palpably smoky sexiness” and the fact that she was “an absolute goofball, which I quickly learned is a devastatingly attractive combination to me.” OK. Barf, wipe your mouth, then come back to me. Ready? Here we go. Cryer also discusses the sex they would have in tepid water. “If you ever get the chance to fool around with a beautiful actress in a hot tub, do it, because it’s incredibly fun.” Barf. Wipe. OK, you can go.

Jason Derulo gave my favorite response to an interview question this week:

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AND ALSO:

• Angelina Jolie and Eva Mendes are best friends now, Brad Pitt and Ryan Gosling are best friends now, and the two of them annoy everyone else in the restaurant when on double dates.
• Cara Delevinge drinks tequila for breakfast.
• Kendra wants to be a pop star.
• Ian Somerhalder drinks Heineken, not blood.
• Uma Thurman went to the beach.
• Keri Russell went to the beach.
• Everyone else went to Coachella.

Grade: F (You watch a Jon Cryer film for the second time while having sex with Jon Cryer in a hot tub.)

inTouch

TEEN MOM LEAH FORCED INTO REHAB

Teen Mom 2’s Leah Messer-Calvert “asked her 1.1 million Twitter followers for suggestions on where to spend a ‘ladies night’ in the city. Two days later, she gushed about her getaway.” But guess what? It was all a lie and inTouch is completely on to her. In a “WORLD EXCLUSIVE” it was revealed that Messer-Calvert is going to rehab for an addiction to prescription drugs. Good! Rehab is good. Apparently she’s “a mess” and “everyone is worried.” So good. Go to rehab, Leah. Get better.

Do you want to see the best headline of the week?

You ready?

You sure?

Because here it comes.

So hold on.

…..

Can you live? Are you OK? The headline is astounding, but then it keeps going! “Plus: She Punched Me in the Face, He Claims.” Sofia Vergara wants to DESTROY our embryos…PLUS she wants to punch her ex in the face. Can you believe there was a plus? I would have been giddy without the plus. It would have been best headline of the week without the plus. But the tabloid gods looked down at us and said, “You know what, you crazy gossip lovers? I’m gonna give you a plus.” And that’s just the cover! It gets better inside! The full headline (in another “WORLD EXCLUSIVE”) reads “THE FIGHT OVER FROZEN EMBRYOS / SOFIA SUED BY HER EX.” Not a great headline, but wait for the subhead: “Sofia Vergara & Nick Loeb planned on using a surrogate. Now he wants the fertilized eggs.” You do realize this is the Wayne Knight subplot in Jurassic Park, right? Because it is.

WRONG ANSWER:

AND ALSO:

• Bobby Flay and Giada de Laurentiis are totally making gnocchi together.
• No one likes working with Jonah Hill.
• Rev Run loves listened to The Best of Sade last night, which, same.
• Nicole Richie and Joel Madden are donezo.
• Justin Bieber and Kendall Jenner are donezo.
• Katy Perry and John Mayer are back on..zo?
• Karl Lagerfeld’s cat has more money than you.
• Zachary Quinto has more money than Karl Lagerfeld’s cat.

Grade: C- (You watch Jurassic Park for the nth time but Sofia Vergara and her ex are in the room screaming about embryos the whole time so you can’t hear it.)

APPENDIX:

Fig. 1, InTouch

Fig. 2, Life&Style

Fig. 3, Life&Style

Fig. 4, Life&Style

Fig. 5, Star