It’s Wednesday, so this must be Midweek Madness, in which Callie Beusman hits the newsstand for the latest issues of Us, In Touch, Life & Style, Star and Ok!. Together, we rustle through the rough and durable fabric of celebrity gossip. This week, Miley Cyrus and her weed-leaf-print socks sat in the lap of a mystery man wearing wingtips; Jennifer Lopez and her Bentley acted like divas; and Kim Kardashian and her body are too sexy too soon for a new mother. Ready to be revolted?
Ok!
“SECRET KARDASHIAN SISTER!”
The tabloid goddess has blessed us on this morn: we are treated to a ridiculous rumor about a “SECRET KARDASHIAN SISTER,” a British young woman named Emilia C. Morales, who “LOOKS JUST LIKE KIM” (she does not look just like Kim). (Fig 1) As evidence, Ok! discerningly points out that both Emilia and the Kardashians have dark eyes, by which logic the Kardashians are also related to Kim Jung Un and the horse from Warhorse. Coincidentally, Emilia was in a failed reality show that needed a celebrity connection to stay afloat. Weird, right? Elsewhere in the mag, the editors are surprisingly less sensational: when discussing the tell-all autobiography Angelina Jolie’s reportedly been offered $50M to write, they quote a source who states that Angie “would never have broken up another person’s marriage… When she and Brad started to get close, he told her his marriage was over, which it was.” Huh. In other news, Enrique Iglesias and Anna Kournikova have broken up after 12 years together, in case you were wondering. Moving on: the magazine plays Instagram detective in order to find out whose lap Miley Cyrus was sitting upon when she snapped a photo of their intertwined-ish feet. (Fig 2) Surprisingly (again!), they determine that it’s someone from “her inner circle” (MIKE WILL MADE IT WOULD NEVER WEAR WINGTIPS), which means that the mystery man was just a friend.
Grade: F (a replica of Justin Timberlake in his denim suit, made entirely out of denim)
Life & Style
“ACT LIKE A MOM ALREADY!”
Wow, here we go. New mom-shaming for sale. Allegedly, according to a “friend,” Kourtney is “appalled” that Kim went to Paris, leaving behind her 3-month-old daughter. This “friend” says that when Kourtney’s kids were babies (um, one of them still is, right?) she “refused to leave them for anything longer than a couple of hours.” Meanwhile, Kim “secretly” hit NYC, Paris and London, where she attended fashion shows and did a photo shoot and “missed the anniversary of her dad’s death,” so, you know, BURN THE WITCH. Also inside: Miley Cyrus has been texting Theo Wenner, who shot her Rolling Stone cover and happens to be the son of Rolling Stone founder Jann Wenner. Since it’s safe to assume that a magazine editor did not steal Miley’s phone while she was mid-text, we have to accept the fact that someone was responsible for actually recreating the scenario, fake texting a fake contact for a fake picture. (Fig. 3) NeNe Leakes got her “best body ever” by cutting pasta, potatoes and potato chips from her diet. Revolutionary! Finally, if your idea of fun is analyzing all the lines and shapes and pores of Jennifer Aniston’s face, today is your day: The mag compares a picture from when Jen was in her 20s to one taken recently and a cosmetic dermatologist “who has not treated the star” weighs in on where all the filler has been injected. Quality way to spend time, doc. (Fig. 4)
Grade: D- (a roof built of denim scraps that fails to keep the rain out)
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