Time to Shop Oprah's Favorite Things Like an Unsolicited Catalog for Rich People 

Once again, it’s time for the beloved annual festival that blends soothing/stressful consumerism with the thrilled bewilderment of old-fashioned catalog shopping: Oprah’s reveal of her “Favorite Things,” which will inevitably convince each and every one of us to purchase some absurdly luxurious throw blanket, mittens, or lounge pants.

Look, I’m just not in a place emotionally to resist cozy loungewear right now. Are you? I thought not. And so, without further ado, some standouts from the list—available in full here—with commentary from Oprah via the Amazon gift guide and also myself:

Carl the Drinking Chocolate Snowman by Kate Weiser Chocolate, $38. Says Oprah: “If Frosty were stuffed with mini marshmallows, he’d be like Carl here. Just place this hunk of a chocolate man into a pot of milk, turn up the heat, and watch him melt into a few mugs’ worth of rich cocoa.” Says me: Okay, that is just SICK.

Dog DNA Test by Embark, $159. Says Oprah: “There’s nothing better than discovering your roots—and that goes for fur babies, too. This test reveals a dog’s genetic age and info, as well as breed breakdown, from a small sample of slobber. Incredible!” Says me: ????????????????? $159???????????????

Dog Spa Day Gift Set by Harry Barker, $49.60. Says Oprah: “It’s time to wash your pug. This cheery set includes a personalized terrycloth robe, a shea butter shampoo/conditioner, and a double-sided brush. In Harry Barker I trust.” Says me: I’m really beginning to resent how many dogs apparently live better than I do.

“What can I

6.5 Gallon Multiflavored Popcorn Tin by Popinsanity, $179.95. Says Oprah: “Pick and choose up to three flavors—I’d recommend sweet and salty, cookies and cream, and caramel-chocolate drizzle—to fill this popcorn tin, which is large enough to feed a small village. What can I say? I love a big can!” Says me: Nothing better than a trio of flavored popcorn but also how are you supposed to eat your way through that much popcorn before it goes stale?

Gourmet Bundt Cakes by We Take the Cake, $36. Says Oprah: “I like having options—particularly when those options are already-baked red velvet or Key lime or triple-chocolate or ginger spice or lemon or coconut or sour cream coffee cake Bundt cakes.” Says me: Much better than so much popcorn that I can never finish it.

“The Jumpsuit” by L.A. Relaxed, $168. Says Oprah: “Like a Onesie for grown-ups, this jumpsuit is a pleasure to wear on a long trip because you can curl up in it and still look fresh when you get where you’re going. The stripe down the leg sure does slenderize.” Says me: Spiffy in sort of a 2001: A Space Odyssey way, but there’s literally nothing I care less about from loungewear than “slenderizing.”

Hooded Snuggle Lounger by Softies, $95. Says Oprah: “I dare you to talk anybody out of wearing one of these velvety-soft pieces with a cozy kangaroo pocket every wintry weekend!” Says me: Okay, now we are talking.

Luxury Shag Throws with Pom-Poms by Peace Love Home, $69. Says Oprah: “These deliciously squishy throws are like being kissed by a thousand velvet bunny noses—a serious snuggle just waiting to happen.” Says me: I’d like one for every single room in my home, thanks.

Gemma Plush Slippers by Vionic, $79.95. Says Oprah: “These slippers aren’t just for shuffling around—with an orthotic footbed, they’re bound to put a spring in your step. I slipped them on and thought I was walking on cloud fluff.” Says me: I won’t be living my best life until I can shuffle into my kitchen at midnight to eat half a gourmet bundt cake wearing a giant velour hoodie and these babies!!!