Trump Executive Order Cracks Down on Violence Against Police, Which Is Already Pretty Illegal 

Here’s all the shit we couldn’t cover today:

• Trump has signed three executive orders aimed at “law and order,” one of which calls for new legislation and new mandatory minimum sentences for “crimes of violence” and “related crimes” (??) against law enforcement officers, because the White House is apparently under the impression that violence against police officers is currently treated with lenience. Another EO will, according to Trump, “break the back of the criminal cartels that have spread across our nation and are destroying the blood of our youth,” which is… not… a normal thing to say. [Buzzfeed]
• On a call with Putin—yes, you should sit down—Trump denounced a treaty that aims to block the proliferation of nuclear arms (known as New START) shortly after pausing the call to ask aides what it was. [Reuters]
• In a meeting with airline executives, POTUS noted that the White House is a “good place for meetings” and declared that “we have an obsolete plane system, we have obsolete airports.” Citing his pilot, Trump said airlines are often provided with “the wrong stuff.” [Pool report]
• A Canadian citizen who is Muslim and wears a hijab says she was turned away at the U.S. border after being questioned about her religion and her views on President Trump. [CBC News]
• A bar across from the White House has reported an increase in sales of Fireball whiskey, which is perfect and disgusting. [Washington Post]
• Activists return to Standing Rock as Dakota Access Pipeline workers begin the final phase of drilling. [The Guardian]
• Jeff Sessions, deemed in the ‘80s to be too racist to serve as a federal judge, was sworn in today as Attorney General of the United States. Guess who is thrilled??? [CBS News]
• A 6’9 conservative nicknamed “Big Luther” was sworn in to fill Jeff Sessions’ seat in the Senate, in case you weren’t already feeling like you were living in a poorly plotted video game. [Washington Post]
• The GOP has introduced legislation across the U.S. cracking down on sanctuary cities. [The Hill]
• Trump will have dinner with billionaire donor Sheldon Adelson at the White House tonight, where Adelson will reportedly attempt to derail the two-state solution. [Washington Post, Axios]
• Oh look, another insane anti-choice bill from Ohio Republicans, this one effectively banning abortions after 13 weeks. [Cincinnati.com]
• Please let the record show that the multiple times Sean Spicer referenced a terrorist attack in Atlanta (there was no terrorist attack in Atlanta) he actually meant Orlando. [Orlando Sentinel]
• We’re gonna go ahead and privatize outer space, I guess? [Politico]
• A Muslim-American Olympic medalist says she was detained for hours without explanation after Trump’s Muslim ban was instituted. [The Hill]

Here are some tweets that the president was allowed to publish:

This has been Barf Bag.