Trump Is Now Officially Our 1st Felon President

Welcome back to Barf Bag. 

On Friday, President-elect Donald Trump was finally sentenced in his New York hush-money trial but received zero jail time, probation, or fines, which is deeply unsettling and unsatisfying.

The case stems from Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen paying adult actor Stormy Daniels $130,000 in the fall of 2016 to keep quiet about her alleged affair with the then-first-time presidential candidate. Cohen then recorded the payment as legal expenses at Trump’s direction. (The campaign was worried such a revelation would hurt him politically—which, given everything we’ve seen in the past eight years, is very funny.) A Manhattan jury convicted Trump in May 2024 on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records.

Trump is now the first president ever to be sentenced for a felony—just as he was the first POTUS to face a criminal trial and be convicted by a jury.

New York Supreme Court Justice Juan Merchan gave Trump what’s known as an “unconditional discharge,” which “wraps up a case without imprisonment, a fine or probation… [and] leaves a defendant’s conviction on the books.” It’s an outcome he’d hinted at last week. Merchan’s reasoning was that Trump would become the President in just a few days and that office carries broad legal protections. “The protections [of the presidency] are, however, a legal mandate which, pursuant to the rule of law, this court must respect and follow. However, despite the extraordinary breadth of those protections, one power they do not provide is the power to erase a jury verdict,” Merchan said. (Alternatively, Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg’s office floated the idea of postponing Trump’s sentencing until after his term ends in 2029.)

This is all to say that, had Trump lost, he could have been sent to prison today—he faced a sentence of 16 months to four years.

Trump attended the hearing remotely and reportedly scowled at Merchan and also shook his head when the judge repeated the particulars of his conviction. “I just want to say I think it’s an embarrassment to New York,” Trump said. On the contrary, I think it’s an embarrassment to the ~rUlE oF lAw~ that this case is the only one Trump faced before the election, because there are three more.

Trump was desperate for this hearing not to happen as he filed appeals to Merchan, the New York Court of Appeals, and the Supreme Court. And, in events that both parties swear are unrelated, Trump and Justice Samuel Alito even spoke by phone on Tuesday! Alito said it happened before Trump’s appeal landed at SCOTUS and was about a job reference for a former clerk—and then he voted in Trump’s favor to halt the sentencing. But the Thursday evening vote was 5-4 against Trump, so it went forward.

T-minus 10 days until this emboldened asshole is given all the reins of power once again, and this time, he goes in with a Supreme Court ruling giving presidents broad criminal immunity. Fun!

Trump-related barf:

• Instead of funding Inauguration events, proceeds from Trump’s official inauguration merchandise are going to the Republican National Committee and Trump’s Never Surrender PAC, which he can use however he wants. [Forbes]
• Amazon, which donated $1 million to Trump’s inaugural committee, is also paying $40 million to license a documentary on first lady Melania Trump. [Rolling Stone]
• Egomaniac billionaire Elon Musk admitted that his Trump-blessed advisory body probably won’t find $2 trillion in federal budget cuts. [NBC News]
• A mole at Fox News allegedly sent the Trump team a list of questions he’d be asked at a January 2024 town hall in advance. [CNN]
• As the devastating Los Angeles fires rage, Trump tried to blame California Gov. Gavin Newsom‘s water management. [Washington Post]
• The nominally Democratic Sen. John Fetterman (PA) will meet with Trump at Mar-a-Lago. [Associated Press]

Non-Trump barf:

• The North Carolina Supreme Court blocked certification of a Democratic justice’s reelection so it can hear a bullshit appeal from her Republican opponent. [NBC News]
• Ohio Gov. Mike DeWine (R) signed a bill that forces teachers to out students’ sexuality to their parents. [Ohio Capitol Journal]
• Disgraced former member of Congress and current OANN host Matt Gaetz said he’s considering a run for governor of Florida. [Mother Jones]
• A different disgraced former member of Congress, George Santos, asked a judge to delay his sentencing on federal fraud charges so he has more time to pay off nearly $600,000 in fines. Santos claimed taping more podcast episodes would help. [Associated Press]
• A watchdog group accused Robert F. Kennedy Jr. of voter fraud by claiming he resides in California and shouldn’t have voted in New York. [Politico]
• Nebraska Sen. Deb Fisher’s husband refused to shake Vice President Kamala Harris‘ hand after she swore in his wife for another term. [New York Times]
• The Florida Pregnancy Care Network, a non-profit anti-abortion group funded entirely by state taxes, spent $5 million on ads opposing Amendment 4. [Seeking Rents]
• Speaking of Florida, Gov. Ron DeSantis nominated a dude to the board of the University of West Florida who said this in a 2021 speech: “If we want a great nation, we should be preparing young women to become mothers, not finding every reason for young women to delay motherhood until they are established in a career or sufficiently independent.” [Associated Press]
• Rest in piss, Anita Bryant. [Washington Post]

This has been your weekly Barf Bag, thanks for reading!