Twitter Is the Best Thing You Could Spend $44 Billion Dollars On?

I guess it's cool to own the platform where everyday men find different ways to say they don’t get laid.

Twitter Is the Best Thing You Could Spend $44 Billion Dollars On?
Photo:Pool (Getty Images)

Hear ye! Hear ye! Word has it that Elon Musk has bought the world’s most depressing online diary,, for a cool $44 billion dollars. Lots of folks are promising to jump ship (fingers crossed). Some are talking about unionizing, which, come on, uniting over a common cause has never been Twitter’s strength.

What can be agreed upon, however, is that $44 billion is a cartoonishly large amount of money. It makes $1 billion dollars look like a small speck of dust on a speck of dust on a clover.

Hearing this news makes one wonder: What else could Elon have spent that sort of money on? Obviously he could’ve ended homelessness in America ($20 billion to fix) twice over, but who wants to provide stable, life changing housing for people when you can own a website where users tweet that they didn’t like the 2014 movie Interstellar to a following of 273 accounts?

The UN’s World Food Program estimates that world hunger could be abolished with $6.6 billion. Again, solving the global food crisis pales in comparison to getting to say, “I own the platform where everyday men find different ways to say they don’t get laid.”

Any of that humanitarian, do-good BS doesn’t seem up Elon Musks’ alley, to be honest—this involves too many mushy emotions like “gratitude” and “not being hungry anymore” for him to invest his big important business dollars in. So what are some actually cool, Musk-ish things he could buy with $44 billion?

Right now, the world’s most expensive yacht is a mere $4.8 billion dollars. It feels like an easy way to be a lot more badass is to give that lonely $4.8 billion dollar yacht nine yacht friends. That’d total up around $44 billion dollars. But again, is cruising around the tranquil blue waters of the Mediterranean in a fleet of mega yachts with your closest magnate pals equivalent to obtaining a social media platform where the 45th president of the United States wrote “covfefe”? Hardly.

The GDP of Bolivia is $36.69 billion dollars, which would actually give Musk a nice $3.5 billion dollars to buy the second most expensive yacht in the world. A fancy yacht to sail around Lake Titicaca? Can’t imagine Musk would ever tire of saying that out loud to whoever he tricks into dating him next. Though, I’m not sure you can purchase a countr,y nor am I sure that it would be more rewarding than getting to put in your Twitter bio, “50 yrs old, Cancer, Owns twitter, formerly Yahoo.”

Maybe Elon Musk made the right choice. $44 billion dollars spent on a website on which Kevin Durant wrote at 7:45 pm that he wanted to drink Scarlett Johansson’s bath water does seem like a good deal. I’m not a money whiz like Elon, but I trust him, my new Internet Overlord.

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