Vaginal Steaming Is the Only Way to Solve Your Problems


Feeling tired, stressed or a little bit grumpy? Angry at your husband/wife/pet cockatoo? Feminine odors got you down? Well, there’s a centuries-old cure for all of that, and it’s getting hot air blown all the way up into your laughing place in a public setting. And it only costs 50 bucks. Isn’t your health worth that?

Laura Beck, Jezebel alumna, recently visited a “uterus spa” for Fast Company and the experience was… special. Beck, who I’ve been privileged to know for over a decade and whose vaginal health I’m always concerned about (some might say too concerned) went because Gwyneth Paltrow told her to. And you know what the rules are: If Gwyneth says you do it, you do it. If Gwyneth’s jumping off a cliff, mom: Fuck yeah we’re all doing it.

From Fast Company:

…if a skinny blonde in an ugly wig tells me that blowing hot air up my vagina is going to cure everything I’ve ever suffered from, including a bad relationship with my mother, well, then, I’m gonna listen to Gwyneth Paltrow, because girlfriend knows science.
In the latest installment of her essential lifestyle newsletter GOOP, Gwyneth recommends something called a “V-steam.” Let me let her explain, since she’s the best in the biz:
“You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al. It is an energetic release—not just a steam douche—that balances female hormone levels. If you’re in LA, you have to do it.”

You have to do it, you hear? It’s both mandatory and required. You’re in LA and in possession of a hidey-hole of one type or another, so you’re going to have to shell out your fucking money and squat over a toilet thingie filled with steam and hot water and natural essences while the people in the back room laugh about how dumb white people are and how they’ll pay for anything as long as it’s touted as “ancient” and “holistic.”

Entering the vagina steaming room (I just don’t know what else to call it), I’m faced with what looks like a Victorian police cell toilet situated over a steaming pot of Grandma’s Chai Spice Vagina tea. I hover over the hole in the seat just so and then settle down so that the steam may rise into That Which Is Most Sacred. I cannot tell a lie: At first, it feels incredibly weird to have hot wet air wafting into my cooch. My entire body tenses as I actively clench my vaginal muscles to protect myself from the invading shower of scorching steam. It would feel exactly like the poison fog from the Hunger Games arena, I think. First a burning heat and then convulsion after convulsion of electric pain!

Beck writes that all claims that vaginal steaming does anything but part a fool with his or her money are unsubstantiated, and that you can get the same effect just by microwaving a glass full of lemon water and squatting over it real hard. But anyway, it’s really all about the experience, and the experience, if these Yelp reviews are to be believed, is just amazing. Look at this woman feeling the vaginal steam so hard that she put pictures of herself getting her shame-basket (I read this on Tumblr and it’s literally the best way to describe genitals) aerated on public display!

Like all unsubstantiated treatment methods, you can use vaginal steam for anything, up to and including infertility and weight loss. Or you can just do it because you have $50 to throw into the wind. Personally, I’m going to use that money to buy a shitload of Kit-Kats and watch television, but then I guess I’m kind of shitty at being zen.

Image via Shutterstock

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