What 'Major Shakeup' Is Ben Carson Planning for His Campaign? 


Brain surgeon and extremely calm man Ben Carson is still running for president, barely. He’s currently polling at around 10 percent, but there is a secret plan to change all that, he told the Associated Press today. What could it be? Let’s speculate wildly and irresponsibly.

Carson told the AP he’s planning a major change, in an interview that sounds like it was conducted with a lil bit of wholly unnecessary but very entertaining cloak-and-dagger involved:

In an interview with the Associated Press at his Maryland home — conducted without the knowledge of his own campaign manager — Carson said “personnel changes” could be coming, suggesting he is about to sideline his top aides.
“Everything. Everything is on the table,” he said of the potential changes. “Every single thing is on the table. I’m looking carefully.”
Carson’s longtime business adviser Armstrong Williams put more bluntly: “Dr. Carson is back in charge, and I’m so happy to see that,” he said. Williams himself has publicly feuded with the paid political professionals brought in to run Carson’s campaign.
Campaign manager Barry Bennett declined to make any immediate comment when told of Carson’s remarks. “I’m getting ready to have a conversation with him. Why don’t I have that conversation and call you back.”

So either Carson is planning on firing campaign manager Barry Bennett, a possibility Bennett himself seems…unaware of.

Or maybe, the AP suggested, he’s finally planning to do something campaign-related with all that money he’s raised:

Carson had raised $31 million by the end of September, more than any other Republican in the race, but he’s outpaced the competition on spending — mostly on fundraising costs rather than critical political infrastructure.
“I recognize that nothing is perfect,” Carson said. “And, yes, we’ve had enormous fundraising, but that requires that you be efficient in the way you utilize the funds. And, yes, we are looking at all those things.”

But those shakeups are kind of boring, unbefitting of such a maverick candidate. Some other possibilities:

Coming Out

Dr. Carson could volunteer to go to prison, for instance, where people become gay, per his science.

Divorcing Candy

It’s hard being married to a pop star.

Announcing A New Campaign Plank: Evolution is Probably Real


Stabbing a Man on Live Television

Proving both that he’s tough enough to take on ISIS and that he wasn’t lying about that other time he stabbed someone.

Equipping Every Campaign Employee with Shakeweights

He’s a very literal man.

Admitting He Was Never Really a Neurosurgeon

Isn’t this, in a way, the most likely option of all?

Please share your ideas in the comments.

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Carson during the AP interview at his home in Upperco, Maryland, December 23, 2015. Photo via AP Images

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