Out of two beloved judges and two beloved hosts, only judge Paul Hollywood—hyper-masculine, exacting, crispy-of-hair—opted to move with The Great British Bake Off from BBC to the dreaded Channel 4. Britain, as far as I can tell, remains in an uproar. Would you let him fold your flaky pastry?
Paul Hollywood, who had a well-documented affair in 2013 with his co-host on the failed U.S. version of Bake Off, is charismatic in an irritating way, the kind of man who lopes his fingers in the belt buckles of his extremely tight jeans and pushes his pelvis forward before informing you, with a twinkle, that your sponge is raw (“your spohnge is roh”). Runner-up Ruby Tandoh, who was accused of “flirting” with Hollywood to move up on the show (she later came out as gay), called him a “peacocking manchild lingering wherever the money is.” Anna Kendrick, appearing on the Graham Norton Show, said of the show’s split: “It immediately turned Mel and Sue into folk heroes, and we’re all so proud of Mary for following suit, and then it’s like, of course Paul stayed, with your bread and your goatee.”
Paul Hollywood is a walking can of Axe and a villain in his own (emotionally and otherwise fragile) country, and yet—and yet. He has…a quality. He is…very confident. I can’t…help it. Even with the goatee. What do my coworkers think?
Joanna: That’s a no from me.
Aimee: The eyes are a yes, the beard is a no.