Advice Manual by 'Princeton Mom' Even More Noxious Than Expected

“Princeton Mom” Susan Patton, a class-five Internet troll who sprang from the depths of a Mens’ Rights forum when, one night under a full moon, Phyllis Schlafly and Ann Coulter sacrificed a kitten over a copy of The Feminine Mystique, has a book coming out! The Daily Princetonian got a peek and found it LOL WTF RUFK.

The student paper says that the book is mostly a retread, merely the longform version of Patton’s original op-ed. (Via the Wire; definitely click through for the photo of Patton’s dog looking so, so embarrassed.) Blah blah blah, better ensorcell some poor schmuck over cafeteria chicken tenders before senior year or you’ll be forced to pick a breeding partner from the lower orders and that’ll just be a disaster, blah blah blah, your biological clock, blah blah blah.

Look, if you’ve met the love of your life before sophomore year is over, great! Congrats; I’m very happy for you. But let’s face it—even the headmistress of a Victorian finishing school would be a little taken aback by Patton’s insistence that women in college should be 100% focused on finding a husband 100% of the time, or else.

Even if there’s not much that’s surprising, it seems Patton does reach new levels of unlikability in her delivery. For instance, according to the Daily PrincetonianDaily Princetonian, she calls unmarried 35-year-olds “spinsters-in-training” and insists, “Here’s the most important thing … you will come to define yourself by your spouse,” so you’d better pick smart! Oh, and men can date “dumb, mean or nasty” women who’ll bone them. Not even sure what I’m supposed to do with that info?

Here she is dishing out advice for attracting a man:

Patton said a woman should be able to cook, be kind and honest, have a good temper and a clean mouth and look good.

“Look your best to attract the best potential life partners,” Patton wrote, adding that women should take care of their nails and lose excess weight. “If you’ve struggled with obesity through most of your teen years, then maybe surgical intervention is a good idea for you.”

The Princetonian doesn’t provide the context for this clunker: “A plopper. A big lump that goes plop! A grossly overweight person.” Which is ironic, because “a big lump that goes plop!” is also how I might’ve described this book.

Then there’s this:

Women should be the driving force in changing the hookup culture on college campuses. Because men have come to “expect free sex,” men will not start to think about having serious relationships until women stop making themselves so available to men without commitment, she wrote.

Additionally, if a woman dresses provocatively, drinks too much and then enters a male’s room, whatever happens next is all on her.

“Please spare me your ‘blaming the victim’ outrage,” Patton wrote, adding that these women have “displayed screamingly bad judgment and must bear accountability for what may happen next.”

Please spare me your victim-blaming bullshit, lady. But she’s careful to disclaim in the introduction that “It’s just advice … take it or leave it!”

I would like to leave this advice in a Barnes and Noble bag inside of a cardboard box inside of a fire-proof safe dropped into the deepest part of the wine-dark sea. Preferably on another planet.